Attack of the MarySues!
by karabell-karaboo723
Summary: REPOST It's every bad Harry Potter fic you've ever read. Reading the books, Ebony, American Transfer students, Harry's siter, abudant OOCness and more. Dont like cruel parodies? Well don't read this. WARNING- This may destroy all faith left in hummanity.
1. Harry's Sister

AUTHORS NOTE! PLEASE READ!

**1) Due to my amazing computer skills, I managed to delete this. **

**2) Either that or "The Man" took it down because someone reported me because I hurt their feelings. This is probably what happened because I recieved an automated e-mail from FanFiction admin staff that one of stories had been removed. So yeah.**

**So please, try and find a rule that I broke. It never says that I can't make fun of other writers, does it? If it does, please, tell me. Besides, the stories inspired me. I didn't post their work, except for the two chapters that I actually did, but those will not be reposted. I don't like them that much anyways.**

**So, I will now be reposting my favortie story on the planet, save for "My Immortal". Even though this is a repost, reviews would still be appreciated. I'm going to try to do a chapter a week. If I don't like a chapter, though, I probably won't post it. Sorry if your favorite is left out. Also, to avoid getting taken dow again, I looked back and took out chapters that could possibly get me in trouble. The ones about that random girl and Malfoy will not be posted. Sorry if you liked those. All the stuff about "Youre Life with Ron Weasly" will be reposted. Thank God that got taken dowwn too. If they're going to take my story down, that emo nut had better get hers taken down too! That was legit S-H-I-T. **

**Also, if I made fun of your story in here and you would like for me to take it down, all you have to do is PM me. There are more then a couple of people out there who can attest to that. If you just say "Hey, you used my story in chapter () and I was wondering if you could take it down. I don't really want it in here, so I would appreciate it if you could do that for me. Thank you!". All you have to do is copy and paste that into a PM or review, and I will be happy to comply. I'm not heartless, believe it or not. If you use your words and ask _politely _I will work with you, no problem. If you send me a PM calling me a bitch for using your story, then no. I will not work with you. That's just rude. Sorry to make you use words AND manners.**

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><p><strong>Who wants to say the disclaimer?<strong>

**Voldemort: Very well muggle child, I, the most powerful dark wizard to walk apon this planet, shall say your "disclaimer".**

**Karabell –Karaboo723 does not, and will most likely never own Harry Potter. Or Trident or Orbit. **

**Me: That's what my therapist told me. ={ **

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><p><strong>Harry's Sister <strong>

Harriet Potter had long black wavy hair with navy blue streaks and pink tips that came down to just above her waist. She had icy bright emerald green almond shaped eyes that sparkled with sadness because of all the times that Dudley and Vernon had raped her and then beaten her to a pulp. Even so, she still managed to wear a miniskirt, a corset, and fish nets. She also had on dark black eyeliner, purple eye shadow, and huge lashes. She was a size double zero and had and her breasts were F cups.

"OMG Harry. Im lik sew exited 2 b going bak." (OMG Harry, I am so excited to be going back.) Said a very depressed Harriet.

"So am I. I can't wait to see Ron and Hermione again" Said Harry. "Oh, there they are." And he trotted off to speak with them.

As we got on the train, I sat alone because I was going to meet my secret boy friend. Harry doesn't like him even though he's super hot.

"OMG! You're here Draco! I've, like totally missed you so much! Eeepp!" Harriet squealed.

" I, like, totally missed you too, Harriet. Not even your brother can keep us apart anymore." Sighed Draco romantically as he stared into my deep sea ocean blue colored sharp piercing sky colored sparkling sad dark large sensitive eyes.

"I know Draco, and I…. I….. I….. think I may love you!" I spluttered out of my ruby red perfect lips.

"Oh, Harriet, I love you too." Whispered Draco romantically as he stared into my deep bright violet indigo lila pourpre purpura colored sensitive sparkling sad dark large sensitive eyes.

Then, he leaned in an captured my lips with his own as he attempted to choke me with his tongue. It was so romantic and sweet. Just as he was about to take off my shirt, Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked into my compartment.

"OH MY GOD!" They all screamed.

"DRACO. How could you do this to my sister." Screamed Harry.

" But I love her! We're in love Harry. I hate you but we're in love. I'll even pay you 20,000,000 packs of Trident Layers to keep dating her!" Said Draco.

"No way. If you want date my sister than you'll have to hook me up with Flo!" Said Harry.

"Deal!" said Draco as the 'Golden Trio' left. "baby, I want us to go all the way." He stated extra sensitively and hotly.

**WARNING:**

**The next paragraph contains a very badly written sex scene that sounds like it was written by a twelve year old Justin Bieber Twilight loving girl. You have been warned.**

Draco tore off my shirt (and bra) and then I tore off his and then we took off all the rest of our clothes, but I tried to cover my now teeny-tiny "unmentionables" but he was all like "youre beautiful" and then he got on top of me and we made out and all and he said "are you ready" and I said yes and we totally did IT

"Now that I had sex with you, I can finaly truly become a good guy. And I love you and we should totally get married, like, tomorrow or next weekend." said Draco.

"OMG, are you proposing?" Harriet shreiked.

"uh, yeah" said Draco.

I had been puking alot **(A/N I know it's misspelled) **so I decided to go to the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey gave me a pill and I went back to my dorm that I shared with my BFF, Raven (A/N: I couldn't resist). But, I couldn't shake this feeling.

I looked at the stick, and almost passed out.

I was PREGNANT!

**A/N: please review. =]**


	2. The American Transfer Student

**I have deicded to keep some of my original Authors notes. Just because, kind of.**

**When I look back on some of my tactics, though, I could have been a bit nicer. Oh well.**

**Thanks to everyone rereading or readding this story for the first time.**

**This is in no way directed at you if you have an OC. I also have OC's and do use some of the stereotypes mentioned in the story. I'm just trying to point out annoying stereotypes and Mary-Sues. And though most of this is based off of stories I've read, I have made up the plot and such (witchofthesouth). Chloe, I will attempt to write a R/H smut, and have included your other ideas in this chapter. And thank you to Alex, my 1****st**** reviewer.**

**For a good laugh look up ****The Life of a Mary-Sue**** on the YouTube! And Google "My Immortal".**

**I decided to save up my allowance, and bought Harry Potter over night. Because that could totally happen. Right?**

**Snape: *sighs* this ignorant bimbo still does not own Harry Potter, or any of the other crap mentioned here. Obviously. *goes back to crying himself to sleep***

**Oh, and happy Good Friday... even though Jesus died today... why is it even called Good Friday in the first place if he died? Shouldn't it be bad Friday, or some thing? Well, enogh of my rant,here's the story!**

**The American Transfer Student**

My name is Marki'skya Raven Diarrhea Goodness Black** (A/N: My Immortal reference)**. But you can call me Marki. I moved here from California after my parents were killed by death eaters. It was a horrible night; I was so brave that I ran away without my ten sisters and seven brothers that I have to support all on my own now. I also manage to balance school, my amazingly easy job as Secretary of State, taking care of my siblings, and being a teen mom **(A/N: I hate the "secret Life of the American Teenager)**.

As I left my bed room, I looked at myself in the mirror. My naturally purple hair with naturally light blonde highlights and naturally lime green tips glistened like diamonds in the awful florescent lighting. It was slightly wavy, and never frizzy. It was so shiny that it glowed in the dim basement of my grandmother's house. If only Sirius was still alive. Then we wouldn't be so lonely.

As we boarded the train, I gazed out upon the strange land that had slowly, but surely, become my home. I felt a lone tear fall across my goffic looking cheek **(A/N: another My Immortal reference)**. It would be so hard for us to start over, again.

Just then, a tall boy with black hair, glasses, and a scar on his head, walked by my compartment. I knew who he was immediately.

"You're Harry Potter! My name is Marki'skya Raven Diarrhea Goodness Black, and I'm the new exchange student from America. You might recognize me because I'm Sirius's illegitimate child, Snape's niece, Lupin's cousin, Draco Malfoy's step-sister, and Collin Creevy's Great-Grandmother."

"Erm… ok. But, are you sure your name isn't Mary-Sue?"

**At The Carriages**

"Guys, I hate to tell you this, but… there's another one."

"No, you don't mean… another,*gulp* …Mary-Sue?" Gasped Hermione.

"No, Harry's right. I saw her on the train." Said Ron.

"Great, another American transfer student out to steal my boyfriend, his prophecy, defeat Voldemort single handedly and then get rich off of a movie deal." Muttered Ginny.

"Unless she dies a 'hero's death' by jumping in front of a killing curse originally aimed at Harry or I like the last one." said Ron, as a matter a factly. (does that make sense?).

"Maybe we'll get lucky this time and someone will just push her off the top of the stairs." Said Hermione with a thoughtful look on her face.

**TRANSITION!**

In the great hall…

"Now to start off the sorting we have Alco, Eileen-"started professor McGonagall.

"Excuse me, my name is Marki'skya Raven Diarrhea Goodness Black, and I'm a transfer student from America. You might recognize me because I'm Sirius's illegitimate child, Snape's niece, Lupin's cousin, Draco Malfoy's step-sister, and Collin Creevy's Great-Grandmother, which are a few of the reasons why I should be sorted first."Marki said, as the many students in the hall stared at her and thought about how beautiful she was.

"Okay, but are you sure your name isn't Mary-Sue?" said professor McGonagall.

"Yes and why does everyone keep asking me that?"

_My name is Marki'skya Raven Diarrhea Goodness Black, and I'm the new exchange student from America. You might recognize me because I'm Sirius's illegitimate child, Snape's niece, Lupin's cousin, Draco Malfoy's step-sister, and Collin Creevy's Great-Grandmother. You don't really have to do much work with this sorting because I already know that I'm going to be in Gryffindor. _Marki thought to the hat.

_Ummm are you sure your name isn't Mary-Sue?_ Thought the hat.

"_**Sueeyville!**_" screamed the hat.

"What! I'm supposed to be in Gryffindor! I mean there's not even a house called 'Sueeyville! What is this?" Cried Marki.

"Well, we've had so many American transfer students, siblings of Harry's or some other character's, illegitimate children of teachers or death eaters, vampires, and girls who refuse to wear the uniform, yet somehow get away with it, that we've had to start a new house just for them. But I'm sure you'll fit in just fine. Unless you're expecting to be the star Quittidge player." Said professor McGonagall.

"Well, at least I'm still the other Chosen One. Then Harry and Draco will both fall in love with me, but before I can make my painful choice, I'll die a tragic hero's death and save the entire world. Then they'll both be so upset that they'll never learn to love again, but if they do they'll name their first child after me and their wife will be totally okay with their continuous mourning of me because the only reason they hated me was that they were jealous." Said Marki.

"I KNEW IT! YOU ARE TRYING TO STEAL HARRY FROM ME!" screamed Ginny.

"AND YOU'RE TRYING TO STEAL MY BOYFRIEND TOO!" yelled Astoria Greengrass, from the Slytherin table.

"LET'S GET HER!" yelled all the girlfriends of Hogwarts students.

"No! You're just jealous! I'm too perfect to hate!" screamed Marki.

"That's what we tried to tell them." Said Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way, Harriet Potter, Hermione-sue, Ginny-sue, Lily-sue, and the rest of Sueeyville.

"no, no, no! Harry!" yelled Marki, as she jumped in front of a curse that was going nowhere near Harry.

Marki lay on the ground, slowly dying from Ginny's curse. "Harry," she said, "I want you to move on, and for you to also move on Draco. Please, learn to love again. For me."

"Ummm, I hate to break it to you, Marki, but I already have a girlfriend." Said Harry.

"And I'm a bit busy dealing with my own Mary-sue stalkers, and screaming fan girls. Besides, we all know that I end up with Astoria, and that we don't name our first child after you." Said Draco

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Marki, as she took her final breaths.

"One Mary-Sue stereotype down, a whole lot more to go." Said Ron. "Which reminds me, how come none of them have sung yet? Don't all Mary-Sues?"

"Yes they do Ron, but Karabell-Karaboo723 has been kind enough to kill them all before they got the chance. And for that, we thank you" said Dumbledore.

"Hey guys, what did I miss?" said a voice from the shadows.

` "Sirius, what are you doing here?" said Harry, "you're dead."

"Well, not anymore." Said Sirius very seriously. **(Pun intended)**

"Um, Sirius, this kind of awkward, but I just killed your illegitimate daughter, Marki'skya Raven Diarrhea Goodness Black." Said Ginny.

"Oh, her? I always thought her name was Mary-Sue!"

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><p><strong>Well, even though this is still a repost... <strong>

**REVIEW, damn it!**


	3. Back to the Future, Hogwarts Style

**While looking back on some of my Author's Notes, I realized that I only did about half of the requests that I got. Maybe you'll be getting some new chapters... Maybe. I seriously wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you. Seriously. This is a bit of an early Easter present for you guys. **

**Also, I ran this through my spell checker again and found some errors, which is why you might be getting another update e-mail.**

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><p><strong>Thank you to all of my reviewers! I almost cied when I saw that I had double digits. And don't worry jedigal125, I will attempt to kill a couple more. I'm still having trouble with the RH inappropriate smut fic, so I'm going to try the Time Travel one or a Female Harry, maybe. I also don't care if you review in a different language! You might not get your request, though.**

**Now, the story you've been waiting for. P.S. Hermione is very OOC. And this might become 2 chapters.**

**Disclaimer, anyone? **

**Hermione: Of course Karabell-Karaboo723 doesn't own Harry Potter, Back to the Future (AN: which you need to watch if you've never seen it, the movie is so epic),a DeLorean, or anything else mentioned in here. It would just be completely illogical!**

**Thanks for rubbing it in Hermione!**

**(We Need to Get) Back To The Future: Hogwarts Edition**  
>(yes, this is a time travel one)<p>

"Harry, I have a brilliant idea! How would you like to have had parents? And a normal childhood, without the Dursleys?" said Hermione to Harry, on a bleak looking morning in their 6th year.

"oh man, I would have loved that more than anything. Plus, Snape might not hate me" said Harry in a wistful voice.

"oh, like that will ever happen, Harry. I have a TIME MACHINE, NOT a miracle worker." Said Hermione.

"hey, how did you get a time turner? I thought that we destroyed them all last summer at the ministry?" said Ron, who was (for once) the voice of reason.

"well, this one isn't a time turner, it's a DeLorean!" said a very OOC Hermione.

"Like in Back To The Future?" said Harry.

"yep! It sure is, I even had doc help me out with it."

"I am SO lost right now." Muttered Ron.

"come on you guys, lets go test it out!" squealed an extremely over excited Harry.

**IN THE FORBIDDEN FOREST AT 1:15 AM**

"All we have to do is kick this baby up to 88 mile an hour **(A/N: I'm an ignorant American who is way too lazy to try and figure out how many kilometers that would be. Besides, y'all never change kilos into miles so If neither of us try, its an even trade! ;)** and we can go back to whatever date we decide to set it to." Said Hermione.

"wait, how are we going to kick an amtomobole **(he means the car)** 88 miles straight up in the air?" said a still very lost Ron.

"you know, you are so much cuter when you don't talk" said Hermione, "now lets go! Get in already."

"is it just me, or is Hermione acting way out of character?" whispered Harry to Ron.

"you've just noticed that? And you're also supposed to be the smart one? Merlin's pants, this place is going to the dogs." Said Ron under his breath as they all climbed into the car.

**WHOOOOOSH! Hogwarts, 1985! **  
><strong>(for the purpose of this story, the 'present' is in the mid 2000's, the Marauders were at Hogwarts in the bad '80's, not the '60's. also, it will be much more of a reflection on the American '80's culture', because I know for a fact that my parents looked and dressed like idiots. My dad even had a 'white fro' if you know what I mean. And Uncle Bob had a flock of seagulls hair do.)<strong>

Harry, Hermione, and Ron all slowly crept out of the forbidden forest. It was the middle of the day, and there were only a few students milling about.

"Where are we? Why is everyone dressed like that? And their hair? Its hideous!" said Ron in a 'stage whisper' voice.

"Hermione, you took us to the bad '80's! all I can see is neon purple, shoulder pads, mini skirts, and leg warmers!" said Harry.

"you know, this is a time that I am truly glad my parent went to Hogwarts in the bad '70's! all I have had to worry about is bell bottoms, afros, awkward collars, horizontal stripes, and roller disco! All though that might be worse." Said Ron.

"well, Harry, I decided to take you back to when your parents were our age, so stop complaining. Lets just keep an eye out for them." Said Hermione.

"Hey, he looks a bit like Sirius. Only he's wearing shoulder pads and parachute pants. Is it just me, or does he look a bit gay?" said Ron.

"no, that was the style." Said Hermione.

"oh no! My dad! He-he –he-he –he – his HAIR! It's a flock of seagulls hair cut!" wailed Harry.

" Maybe _That's_ why your mother wouldn't go out with him. Mystery solved!" said Hermione, who was still a bit OOC.

"Hermione, why have you suddenly started to take on the personality of the author?" said Ron.

"I have? Well, I didn't notice."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Look at her!" screamed Harry.

Off in the distance was a tall and willowy, yet also extremely curvy, red-auburn-fiery red haired beauty. He soft, long, wavy, shiny, bright, shimmering hair flowed behind her like a river. Her deep and dark, yet china-pale skin was smooth and perfect. From beneath her short, yet long, bangs that hung low over her perfectly sized forehead, shone two huge emerald-seaweed-lime-forest-green eyes that shone with sadness, as though a million and one horribly sad things had happened to her. Behind her followed the Marauderess's, who were also beautiful, yet slightly less attractive.

"Is that your mother, Harry?" gasped Hermione.

"she's hot." Said Ron.

"ok, EWWWW!" said Hermione.

"no, no, no. Ron cant help it, because my mother is a Mary-Sue!" said Harry. "I think I would prefer it if my dad was actually Voldemort!"

"she's probably not a real Mary-Sue, you know. The author probably just thinks that your dad is hot, and saw her as the perfect way to get herself together with your dad, with out the hassle of creating any OC's." said Hermione.

"She's hot"

"Ron, stop it"

"well, she is."

"I said cut it out Ron"

"actually, you said 'stop it', Hermione" said Harry.

"You know what, im tired of this charade!" said 'Hermione' as she stood pu. They noticed how she now seemed much curvier, and her hair looked better too." And my real name isn't Hermione, it's –"

"A MARY-SUE!" screamed Ron and Harry!

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><p><strong>It's kind of funny because I was talking to my Uncle Peter and Aunt Demetra who were in the Peace Corps during the 1970's. Uncle Peter missed the invention of 911 (the emergency number) and my Aunt Demetra missed Roller Disco. Ron talking about his parents reminded me of that.<strong>

**Any hoo, please review!**


	4. This was actualy a real story on FF

**Hey, here is the new chapter. I may have some trouble updating in May due to AP exams and Finals. And in June I'm doing a two week back packing trip, so there may also be some issues there as well, but I'm doing my best.**

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><p><strong>I have now gotten a hit from someone in a country that I didn't know existed. My life is complete. <strong>

**I was going to write a badly done Harmony, but I saw a fic like this on the HP site earlier this morning, so I wrote this up at the last minute instead! And yes, this is a direct parody of it.**

**Now, how about a disclaimer?1?**

**Renesme: I'm a Mary-Sue in training, so I'll say it. **

**WTF! You're not even in this universe, you freak! Although, if you were I could destroy you, your weird name, your creeper father and idiot-sue of a mother. But only in my dreams.**

**Molly: She just doesn't own anything in this story, okay. Not even the idea for the story line this time. Now, how about some cookies?**

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><p><strong>Through the Portal in my Closet, Weird Names and All!<strong>  
>(This is based off of a fic I saw. It's called "Three Girls A book and one hell of an adventure. It might just turn into the next MI. All the lines that I paraphrased are in bold. Some are word for word.)<p>

Okay, my name Salanea and this is the story of me and my three best friends wild, wacky, self insert, super over done and predictable adventure.

I drove up in our silver SUV with flowers and unicorns and smurfs painted on the sides.

"OMG! We're like totally home! Let's hurry"

"I like am sooooooooooooooo excited! Come on!" said one of my 2 BFF's, ShamWOWka, as we raced towards the house.

It was a three level, with poison ivy all around it. It was way out in the middle of nowhere, but if the guy from "when a stranger calls" came, then I would totally be able to sprint the 20 miles to the nearest home. ShamWOWka and Marilry would so just give up because they aren't even close to anywhere near athletically fit and able as me.

"O MI GAWDA! It is, like, totally on now! Oceans 11 is so totally on, it is like not even funny. EEEEPPP!" screeched ShamWOWka from the living room.

"Like, where is Marilry? I haven't seen her since before I criticized your guy's athletic ability."

"She is like totally pigging out in the kitchen. Where else would that pig be. She is like almost a size one. That is so super fat. And not fat with a p." said ShamWOWka.

"O Mi GAWDA, I know. Well, I should, like so totally go get her before she eats all of our food. She is always doing that, you know." I said. I don't like people who bash their friends behind their backs, by the way, it's just rude and petty and mean.

"O MI GAWDA! You look sooooooooo super duper extra fantabulosly skinny! That is like sooooooooo amazingly fantaboulous!" I said. But Marilry is so fat that it is not even funny. Like ShamWOWka said, she is almost a size one.

"I know, I totally am so skinny. !" Squealed Marilry.

"Like help, ShamWOWka! She's chasing me!"

"OMG Be quiet! Brad Pitt is on now!"

"Have You Seen His Beard? It Is So Super Sexy!"

"It Like Totally Is! And you all know it!"

"Yeah, but I would so prefer Harry Potter _(A/N: After this line, I realized what I had to do)_" I said.

"I wonder what houses we would be in?"

"I would be in Gryffindor." I said

"I would be in Raven Claw (A/N: yes, she put it as 2 words)." Said ShamWOWka, she was so smart.

I decided to go outside while my BFFs were arguing over which house was the best. It was mid November in Connecticut so it was kind of chilly. I wrapped my arms around me comfortingly. Tilting my head up I gazed at the starry night; a shooting star shot slowly across the sky. I smiled, closed my eyes, and made a wish.

"I like totally wish ShamWOWka, Marilry and I could all be the newest Mary- Sues to enter the Harry Potter fan fiction universe during his 3rd year." I said.

As I walked back in, I decided to go put on my Victoria's Secret pale purple tank top and short shorts. Suddenly, a portal appeared.

"You guys, come look at this! It's a portal! And its sucking me in!" I screamed.

ShamWOWka and Marilry came rushing in.

"OH MY GOD! WE'RE TALKING ALMOST KIND OF NORMAL NOW! WHATS HAPPENING TO US?"

"Umm, Guys, there is a portal in my bedroom wall sucking us all into it!" I yelled.

"I don't know, maybe the author got tired of writing like that. Even though that is the way Mary-Sues talk." Said an extremely thoughtful looking Marilry.

"You know, that might just be it!" said ShamWOWka,"we do talk very annoyingly."

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed as I was sucked into the portal. Those idiots probably didn't even notice that the main character was missing! And who the hell was that Mary-Sue person? My name Is Salanea. And theirs are Marilry and ShamWOWka.

"OH MY GOD, LOOK OUT BELOW!"

I can't believe it. We're at a castle. But where?

"Harry, look over here! They just fell from the sky!"

About six or seven teenagers were running up to us. I thought that they all looked very familiar, especially with their super cool uniforms/robes on.

"Wait! Are you Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Oliver Wood, and Neville Longbottom?"

"OH NO! I thought that we had gotten rid of all of them." Said Ginny.

"Hey, didn't I graduate like three years ago? Why on earth am I here?" said a rather confused Oliver Wood.

"Yeah, but obviously the author thinks that you're hot and now wants one of her friends to end up with you so you'll probably end up losing your personality until you become the author's dream boyfriend and then she'll steal you away from Katie Bell. Unless we've got yet another tragic hero on our hands." Said Hermione.

"You know, the tragic hero really is the easiest to deal with." Commented Draco.

"Yeah, a lot of times you just sleep with them and then they die." Said Harry.

"What do you do with all the Mary-sues Harry? Please, continue to enlighten me. Really." Said an extremely pissed off Ginny, while giving Harry a death glare.

"Not that I've ever done that." Said Harry very quickly.

"HEY!" I shouted, "Harry is soooo mine! Back off you Ginger Bitch!" I screamed.

"You know what happened to the last Mary-Sue that tried to steal my boyfriend? She ended up six feet under, if you know what I mean. So back off." Said Ginny.

"I'm so glad that you're not taken Draco" said ShamWOWka.

"Uhm, I don't really know how to say this, but not only do I have a girl friend, but you are also named after a cleaning product. Or a fancy eco friendly paper towel." Said Draco awkwardly.

"What!" screamed ShamWOWka.

"Hi Oliver…" said Marilry in a 'flirty' voice.

"OKAY EVERYBODY! I cannot take this anymore! Why the hell are you three here, at Hogwarts? Why am I still at Hogwarts? And WHY are there still so many Mary-Sues? Why hasn't anyone just killed them all yet? I might even consider giving up my career as a Keeper if it meant destroying all of you! Why I would sell my soul to the devil…" Screamed Oliver.

"Did someone say something about selling a soul?" said a man goat thing.

"Why don't you just take their souls instead of ours? It's still a pretty good deal?" said Harry.

"Oh no, not MORE of them! I'm sorry, but no one's soul is worth them." Said the man goat as he vanished in to a puff of fire.

"Well," I said," even though we got off to a rough start, I want you to know that I still think that we are all going to be great friends."

That was the last thing I remembered before I got hit on the head and blacked out.

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><p><strong>So, not even the devil can stand Mary-Sues.<strong>

**Oliver and Ginny: how are Harry, Ron and Hermione here if they're still in the bad 80's? **

**Neville: and why was I even there?**

**All good questions which might get awnsered in the next amazing chapter of ATTACK OF THE MARY-SUES!**


	5. Self Help Section & Character Favorites!

**I'm kind of bored, so I'm writing a bit of a Fan Fiction site guide on how to spot a Mary-Sue, a Suethor, or a new writer. Or any combination of the three. There's also going to be some character favorites in here. And a couple of chapter hints.**

**Seriously, if you are an author, or just a reader, y'all might want to read this. It can help you keep an eye out for the enemy.**

**Oh, yeah, and I in no way at all mean to insult your pairing. Just be warned that you might be seeing a chapter dedicated to it somewhere in the future.**

**Disclaimer: I won the lottery today, so I think I'll go out and buy a popular book/ movie franchise. Look out Twilight, you have got a new owner!**

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><p><strong>The Field Guide To Spotting A Mary-Sue, And Some Character Favorites!<strong>

Harry: We all know what it's like to find a story, read the summary, click on the link, and think, this is it. A Sue- less story. No longer will I read ten whole paragraphs on the main characters appearance. No longer will some random girl come running in and steal Harry, Draco, Ron, Fred, George, Bill, or any other main character! At last, FREEDOM!

Ron: and then we get stuck with a piece of shit, describing all the author's favorite pop culture icons, where the main characters drop the f bomb every three sentences, and the OC- who's not a Mary-Sue- has sex with all the hot guys, even if they are married.

Hermione: and they also end up being friends with me, Ginny, or anyone on the house Quidditch teams, even though we all hate them so much that it hurts.

Ginny: so we thought that we would give you a few tips on how to spot a Mary-Sue without even opening a story. These will work _**most**_ of the time. Sometimes, though, you can't tell until it's too late.

So here they are, the most helpful things to look for in a summary:

If it says "no flames", spelled any way at all, people have most likely already discovered that there is a sue lurking in the story. Or in another one of that authors stories.

A lack of a summary.

The words "First story, so be nice".

Anything along the lines of "I know that this has been done before, but mine is different." Usually involves a stereotype such as Harry's sister, transfer students, time travel, ect.

Text or instant messaging talk

Misspelled words

Katie Bell: Here are some of our favorite summaries (paraphrased and combined into the ultimate bad summary):

"OMG, no flames evn tho dis waz done b4, u prepz. 1st story, so b nice, u posers. Full sum inside."

Fred & George: One of our favorite stereotypes that KarabellKaraboo723 might do is the American prankster transfer student. In one she even managed to turn us into pumpkin heads. And no, we are really not kidding. There is a story somewhere on this site where a complete stranger gives us pumpkin heads as some kind of sick joke. And you wonder why some people hate Americans.

Me: back into the portal of darkness, you blumbdingers, for insulting my mother land! BE GONE! NOW! AND I REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME! OKAY! Although Americans almost do deserve bashing for that one. But I have seen similar ones in German and Spanish.

Fred & George: the only one that we hate more, yes it is possible to hate something more than that last one, is TWINCEST! WE ARE BROTHERS! THAT IS JUST DISGUSTING, PEOPLE!

Everyone from HP: oh it is! People are related for a reason!

Lily Evans Potter: Another thing that we all hate is people who are out of character and Canon- Sues (a perfectly normal character turned into a Mary-Sue). And you know what, it always seems to happen to me.

Here are our best tips on how to spot a Canon- Sue:

They are described completely different than in the books or movie.

They have "shot up over the summer" and everyone seems to notice.

They drop the "f bomb" or cuss in any form for no reason

It is Hermione or Ginny/ Severus Snape, Voldemort, Sirius, Lucius Malfoy, or any other dead character who is way older than they are.

It involves singing or reading poetry in front of a crowd.

The author describes the characters waist in vast detail

Example: she had a 24 inch waist which flowed out into 32 inch hips.

Lily: and yes, there is in fact a story on here which has my exact hip size in it.

Hermione: and I really don't get the whole "Hermione/ Snape" fad. It's just ridiculous!

Me: Which brings us to our next section, more stereotypes that we hate and that often mess up the timeline of the universe:

Someone gets pregnant at Hogwarts. Ones that I have seen: Katie Bell, 2nd year; Molly Weasley, 6th or 7th year; Ginny Weasley, 4th year; Rose Weasley, any time; and there are so many more.

Molly Weasley and Lily Potter were childhood friends. No, that is completely idiotic. Even though they have 3 children around the same age, the weasleys are obviously way older than the potters.

Snape is Harry's real father. Once again, I don't think so. Especially considering that he looks exactly like James.

James Potter: Harry is MY son. Unless there's something that you're not telling me, Lily?

Lily: I hate that one so much. I would never cheat on James! Ever!

James: I also really hate it when I have a sister from America with some stupid name who falls in love with Sirius, Snape, Remus, or anyone else for that matter. That gets over done, and is usually terrible.

Sirius: I don't know, man, that one sister of yours was pretty hot. Although that might have been one of the other Mary-Sues I always seem to get paired with.

Hannah Abbott: Well, what I dislike is when people turn a minor character into their own personal OC. It's like they think that if they use a real character's name, they cannot possibly be a Mary- Sue.

Me: Now, to wrap up this little Shindig, o suggest we all sing a song!

**The Life of a Mary-Sue**  
>By Skittle Sama<p>

It was love at first sight  
>inside Hogwarts school that night<br>When she walked up to the common room  
>and he was waiting there for her<p>

He said: Malfoy… thinks you're hot  
>and Ron really thinks you're really hot<br>and for reasons unexplained to the readers  
>I think you're hot too<p>

And she smiled as their lips met  
>a scene we wont forget<br>Cause it was close to 19 paragraphs long

That's the life of a Mary- Sue  
>With beautiful blue eyes,<br>Girls envy you

Harry's transfer student lover  
>but Death Eater under cover<br>makes me wish my name was  
>'Cristancia' Potter too<p>

That's the life of a Mary- Sue

You made the Quidditch team  
>impressed everyone it seems<br>and for your uniform ripped black jeans  
>and a nine inch nails t-shirt<p>

In love with Fred and George, it's true  
>But Ron is also in love with you<p>

And so is:  
>Draco<br>Harry  
>Bill<br>Charlie  
>Percy<br>Crabbe  
>Goyle<br>Terry Boot  
>Zacharias Smith<br>Michael Corner  
>Neville<br>Seamus  
>Dean<br>Collin Creevy  
>Dennis Creevy<br>Ernie Macmillian

And Justin Flinch- Fletchly too

That's the life of a Mary- Sue  
>You punk goth Slytherin;<br>boys worship you

You're obsessed with poor Ron Weasley,  
>And our interests waned so easily<br>Lack of grammar  
>really doesn't bother you<p>

That's the life of a Mary- Sue

You pull to it's knees  
>It pleads: GOD STCK TO CANON!<br>So desperately

And we cant take it anymore  
>anymore, oh-oh<p>

But that's the life of a Mary- Sue  
>Nobody likes your stories but you<p>

Potter sues will keep on flaming  
>and you'll do all the blaming<br>saying: nobody writes a better story than you

That's the life of a Mary- Sue!

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><p><strong>THE END! OF THIS CHAPTER! Yay me!<strong>

**And really, look up "life of a Mary-sue" on youtube! **

**Click the blue review button! Please?**


	6. WARNING:This One Gets Really Off Topic

**This one is pretty short so I might update again. If I get around to it...**

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><p><strong>This one just kind of hit me.<strong>

**Sadly, these are a secret addiction of mine. I don't know why, but I love reading these types of Fics so much. I think I may need help. Or rehab. Or both.**

**I just discovered that there is apparently a country called Jersey. Or New Jersey counts as its own country. But if the person (or persons) from jersey are reading this, send me a review telling me all about your country! **

**For a good laugh, look up "A Boy Named Sue" by Johnny Cash. It has absoloutely nothing to do with Mary- Sues or Fan Fiction, but I find it funny.**

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><p><strong>Why the Hell am I Reading This?<strong>

The Dark Lord ( aka VOLDEMORT!) was never one for reading. It gave him a headache. Especially muggle books. Especially especially muggle books about wizards. So why the hell was he reading this?

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, why the hell was he reading a book about the adventures of his arch rival and his nerdy friends during their second year? It made no logical sense! How did the books even get to him in the first place? And how did J.K. Rowling know all of this stuff about them?

It just didn't make any sense.

"My lord, what are you reading?" said Dolohov.

" You have been so captivated by that book, that you haven't even heard of our plans to wreck havoc on the muggles by destroying all of their popular sitcoms, before they can have an actual conclusion that ties up all loose ends!" said a very concerned, but still slightly annoyed Bellatrix. After all, it was a pretty good idea.

"It's called Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and I don't know why I am reading it. But I get the feeling that we should all take turns reading it out loud. I just still cant figure out why, though." Said Voldemort, in a very distant voice.

"well, maybe you are supposed to read them because it will help you discover one of Harry Potters secret weaknesses?" said Lucius Malfoy thoughfully.

"Well, are we going to read it out loud or not?" said Yaxley, in a bit of a prissy voice.

"Of course we aren't! The author is obviously much too lazy to even attempt to plagiarize J.K. Rowling's work. Lets just look on Wikipedia or spark notes like everybody else who is too lazy to read a book does!" said Voldemort.

"What did you just say, my Lord?"

"Oh no! Muggles are contagious! It's like a disease! A horrible, awful, terrible disease for which there is no cure!" screamed Voldemort.

"Maybe that's what Arthur Weasley has."

"Yes, maybe it is. Now someone go get me a computer!"

**TRANSITION!**

"My Lord, I have not only found the spoilers for the Chamber of Secrets, but also for the rest of the series! We now know how to be invincible!" said Yaxley

"Well, how does Harry die?" said Voldemort.

"Umm, he kind of doesn't. He kills you with your own rebounding curse. Just like KarabellKaraboo723 predicted. Take that dad!"

"why were you suddenly so OOC?" asked a frightened Bellatrix. She'd always had a slight fear of Mary- Sues after one tried to kill her after she attempted to murder Sirius.

"I don't know." Said a very confused Yaxley.

"Alright everyone, lets all just focus on the matter at hand, WHY DO I DIE!" screamed Voldemort.

"Don't worry, my Lord, now we know exactly how to prevent this from happening."

So, the Death Eaters killed Snape, because they knew that he was a traitor. And instead of chasing Harry on the night he left the Dursleys, they focused more on getting him when he snuck into the ministry.

Voldemort now knew exactly how many horcruxes he had left, and which ones he needed to move. So now, Harry managed to destroy exactly none of them.

Eventually, the Golden Trio got so sick of each other and everyone else's bad attitudes that they all split up. By the time the battle of Hogwarts rolled around, they couldn't even look at each other.

But actually, there wasn't really a battle of Hogwarts. The death eaters kidnapped Harry, had Voldemort kill the last bit of his soul that was in Harry, and then everyone joined the Death Eaters, because the truth was finally reveled to all.

You see, Voldemort was never really evil; he just hated Mary- Sues! He had gotten so fed up with them that he decided to kill every muggle who dared to send a Mary- Sue anywhere near the Harry Potter universe.

Unfortunately, he had gotten a bit carried away.

But, nonetheless, a new age began, and all Mary- Sues were burned at the stake. It was a happy time, no more tragic heroes or any crap about Harry having a sister.

Until, the fan girls read the Epilogue…

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><p><strong>I just realized how far off topic I went with this one. But oh well, I kind of like this new theory on why Voldemort is so evil. Maybe I'll throw in a Tom Riddle era Sue chapter. Who knows. **

**I now command you to click the button. **


	7. Harmony Lovers, Beware!

Since the last chapter was so short, you guys get another this weekend. (: I still expect reviews, though. I haven't been getting very many and I'm a bit... annoyed. I wont stop posting this, but I would really appreciate more reviews... PLEASE.

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><p><strong>I don't know why, but one of my least favorite ships is Harry Hermione. I just cannot picture them together in a million years. I think it's because I just have always loved Ron/ Hermione so much.**

**Anyways, if you are a die hard Harry/ Hermione sipper or fan, you have been warned. ****This is an H/ H parody/ basher, so be warned. Seriously, be warned. ****And, for those of you who don't know, Harmony is a Harry/ Hermione pairing. Or a 'Ship'/ Shipping.**

**Oh, and thank you so much too all of my reviewers and visitors, even if you hate this story! But even if you do, REVIEW! Please?**

**McGonagall: Anyways, KarabellKaraboo723 owns nothing mentioned In this story.**

**So you think. MWA HA HA HA HA!**

**McGonagall: Do I have to give you detention?**

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><p><strong>The Sinking of the HMS Harmony<br>**

Hermione quickly and quietly slipped behind a large bookshelf in the Hogwarts library. This had been going on for months, and still, no one had figured it out. Even when she and Harry had returned to the common room together with their clothes slightly ripped and their hair all a mess, no one even gave them a second glance. It was almost like everyone was being ignorant on purpose.

But anyways, she and Harry had been meeting up for almost three whole months. Even though they both had respective partners (Harry was seeing Cho, and Hermione was with… someone else who wont come into this story, I guess), it was fine for them to cheat, and they knew it.

"Harry!" She screamed.

"I've missed you ever so much!" she gushed.

"but we're always together, my dearest Hermione!"

"I know, but I miss always being able to snog you whenever I want to."

"Oh, so do I, my dear."

"I wish it didn't always have to be like this."

"So do I, but our love is like a ship. It goes through ups and downs, high waves and low waves-"

"Oh, Harry, don't speak, just shut up!" said Hermione, in a strained whisper.

Soon, they were making out in a much more secluded area of the library.

"you know what Harry, Let's go all the way!" said Hermione.

At first Harry was pretty excited at this, due to the fact that he was a fifteen year old boy, but then he looked at Hermione. She was wearing some of the skimpiest, laciest, black underwear that he had ever seen.

But, before he could truly process what was going on, Hermione was on top of him.

Just as she was getting his shirt off he realized something, Hermione would never make out in the lbrary, let alone have sex there. There was only one explanation for this odd behavior.

"You're not the real Hermione! You're a a a a a a Hermione SUE!"

"What are you talking about, Harry?" said Hermione- Sue in a sexily voice that sounded like a choir of angels. Her waist length, golden reddish blondish brownish silky shinny slightly wavy long beautiful amazingly perfect hair that reached her mid back, where the tips were now naturally white blonde, shimmered like diamonds in the light coming from the setting sun.

"Uhh… Umm… well I… NO! I will not fall for your tricks, you evil Mary- Sue!" Harry nearly screamed. He had almost given in to a Mary- Sue! They were the enemy!

"Umm am I interrupting some… Hermione, is that you!" said a very red and confused Draco Malfoy.

"What are you guys doing? I mean, I thought that I was going to meet Hermione- I mean Pansy- here, and Potter, are you trying to steal my girlfriend?"

"Wait, what are you talking about, Hermione's cheating on that Derek kid with ME, not you, Draco." Said an equally confused Harry.

"No, she came to me first, and wait up just a second! Is her hair now only able to be described in no less than ten to fifteen words, Harry?" said Draco.

"Yes, Yes it is."

"Do you think that she could possibly be a"

"No, Draco." said Harry as Draco's face became confused "I am one hundred percent sure that she is a Mary- Sue."

"Oh no, not again." said Draco

"I know, in just a few weeks, I've had about five Original Character Sues, seven transfer students, ten Ginny- Sues, four Cho- Sues, all of those time or universe travelers, and I've had to keep all twelve of my twin sisters out of trouble. Plus, this is the sixth Hermione- Sue, in just this month." complained Harry

"Yeah, well ten of your twelve sisters have fallen for me. Then there are all those Astoria- Sues, random O C's, some Pansy- Sues, stupid muggles that I some how fall for, the occasional Ginny- Sue and a whole lot of Hermione- Sues, and that stupid 'goffic' girl, Enoby, or Ebony, Dar'kness Dementia Crow Lane, or something like that." whined Draco

"Oh please, don't ever mention her to me again, I mean I was a bisexual goth freak who had a pentagram on his head, and changed his name to 'Vampire'"

"Well, at least you never put your 'thingy' into her 'you know what', and did it for the very first time with her, okay, so you have nothing to complain about."

"You know, I really kind of liked the name 'B'lody Mary Smith'. Maybe I should change my name back to it."

"Why don't we just put her and everybody else at Hogwarts out of their misery."

"Great plan."

**BANG!**

"Yes, who needs a wand when you have bullets?" said Draco happily, "You know, You Know Who should really get us Death Eaters some of these. It'd be way more effective then the killing curse!" He turned to Harry proudly, expecting to see him nodding in agreement, only to find his very large and hard fist

"And why have you been dating my future wife?"

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><p><strong>There y'all go. Another chapter! <strong>

**Click the blue button… NOW! And no "one wordies".**


	8. Why Is The Ministry Choosing Who I Marry

**This chapter was based off of the overwhelming amount of people who have done this sort of fic.**

**I have nothing against Dramione, but this is just so over done.**

**I love the ones that say " I know this has been done, but this one has a **_**TWIST**_**". **

**Like what? They have sex and Hermione gets pregnant?**

**Yeah, like that has never ever been done before.**

**But anyways, these just really bug me a lot because it just feels like the author wanted Draco and Hermione to get together and was too lazy to actually come up with a real reason why there was a marriage law. I actually read a very good one of these where the Ministry of Magic was trying to keep the peace by having everyone marry their soul mate so that everyone would be perfectly happy. That was actually a very good one. I just wish that I could remember the name of it. **

**Someone had better say the disclaimer.**

**Draco: I will say it in my super sexy voice that makes every single girl fall in love with me.**

**Wow, self centered much?**

**Draco: KarabellKaraboo723 does not own Hary Poter.**

**(and yes, I do realize that it is misspelled)**

**Another Marriage Law**

In the Ministry of Magic…

"Well, we have to find some way to get Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy together, that no one will ever suspect was invented by some stupid twelve year old girl." Said Representative Briggs.

"Unfortunately the Marriage Law seems like our best bet. Now, to come up with a real reason to have this law put in place!" said Representative Mathews.

"OH OH OH OH OH! I know, we could say that it is to promote house unity!" said some random fan girl.

"First of all, that is a terrible idea. Secondly, how the hell did you get in here?"

"Easy, I am a fan girl, so I can now pop up wherever I want to."

"You know what, just get out of here."

"Hey, we're the government, right? We can do whatever we want, isn't that why we all stuffed the ballots to get ourselves elected?"

"yeeh, why should we be forced to come up with a reason for everything that we ever do?"

"Yes, but we still need a reason, otherwise we don't get reelected."

"Well, how about we say that it is to promote house unity?"

"That is an excellent idea!"

**Two weeks later, Ministry of Magic…**

"So why do I have to marry _Malfoy_? I mean of all the people in Slytherin, you choose Malfoy for me to get married to? And why are you even deciding who we should marry anyways? How on earth is this supposed to promote house unity?" said a very upset Hermione.

"It just is, okay! Now shut up and go get married!"

**Across the hall…**

"Why the hell am I marrying that filthy little nerdy stupid ugly mud- blood? I'm a pure blood! I thought that it was bad enough having to marry a Gryffindor, but this? No, this has just gone way too far." Screamed an extremely upset Draco Malfoy.

I mean really, of all the insults, he had to marry Hermione 'the Gopher' Granger. Did those stupid fan girls not understand what CANON is, or at this point, was?

"Look, all you have to do is go out into the hall, say I do, and now you two have the perfect excuse to run off together and start a family without anyone asking you why!"

"Okay, for the last time, I do not like HERMION E GRANGER!"

"You mean Hermione Malfoy, don't you?"

"NO I DO NOT MEAN HERMIONE MALFOY BECAUSE I REFUSE TO MARRY A MUD BLOOD WHO LOOKS LIKE A GOPHER!"

"But Draco, what about all of the fan girls? What will they do then?"

"Oh well, they usually just take over Hermione's body once we get married anyways."

"Oh No! Excuse me for just a second."

**In the Hall Way…**

"Mortimer! **(that's a random name)** We have a problem! Apparently, once they get married, Hermione becomes a Hermione- Sue!"

"Wait, so this just ends up as one really bad self- insert fic?"

"Exactly"

"Oh no, what on earth are we going to do? No one wants to read a stupid self insert story! People will just start flaming us until we catch on fire!"

"I guess that we can either keep going and see how this turns out or we can just end it here."

"Well, let's keep going, put be sure to have the emergency back in time button ready, just in case."

"Well, let's just go ahead and marry them now!"

Both of the workers opened up the doors. Chauncey pulled a reluctant looking looking Draco out of his room.

"Get ready to get married, kido" said Chauncey.

Just then, Mortimer returned. With him was a completely gorgeous girl that Draco had never seen before.

"Wait, I thought you said that I was marrying Hermione Gopher Granger? Who the hell is this? I don't think that I've ever met her before in my life!" said Draco.

"Oh Draco, honey, don't be so ridiculous! It's me, Hermione Granger, soon to be Hermione Draco Malfoy! Isn't this so exciting?" said 'Hermione' very excitedly and a bit out of character.

"This is not possibly Hermione Granger." Said Draco.

"Oh, Drake, you can be such a kidder. Isn't he such a kidder, you guys?"

"Oh no, it's too late!" Whispered Mortimer

"I know. But now what do we do?" said Chauncey

"Hey, I'm not going to wait around all day for you two idiots to make me Hermione Draco Granger Malfoy, okay! So hurry up." Said Hermione- Sue.

"Well, they are probably very busy right now, so why don't we just wait a day or two for this?" said Draco, while mouthing out the words "Help Me" to Chauncey and Mortimer.

"Okay, we can go back to your place and loose our virginities together, how is that for a plan?"

"I believe in abstinence." Said Draco very quickly.

"Nice save, man." Said Mortimer.

"Now let's go find the emergency back in time button!"

**In the time room…**

"Quick, press it now, before Draco is killed by her Sueness!"

Chauncey slammed his fist down on the button. Suddenly, Hermione was getting ready for her date with Ron, who was probably going to be late. Again.

Draco was getting ready to visit Astoria, and maybe he would actually be kind to her this time.

All was canon in the Harry Potter Fan Fiction Universe.

For now…

**Ahh, the sweet smell of a law about marriage. This was not actually directed at Dramione shippers, but at the stupid marriage law fics. **

**Any ways, please REVIEW!**

**NOW!**

**I LOVE YELLING!**

**HORAY FOR CAPS LOCK!**

**REVIEW!**


	9. The Crap Ends! MI, not this story

**I'm not that busy, but my summer's pretty packed, so you get two chapters this weekend! Also, there is a new story called "What's in a Sue: all about how to have a healthy OC" by .me which I find is a wonderful reasouce. Maybe when you have to explain thea an OC is a Mary Sue, cite this story becuase it explains a lot of it. **

**But, here is the new chapter.**

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><p><strong>So many people have done stuff like this.<strong>

**And, really, I just couldn't resist.**

**So, here it is. **

**Read, if you dare. You have been warned.**

**And no, this is not the last chapter.**

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><p><strong>My Immortal: The Horror of this Crap Finally Dies <strong>

"ABRA KEDABRA!"

Shoted Ebnony.

I new I hed to9oi du dis cues if ie din den Voldemint wud kilt Vampire nd Darko, eor wurs mak dem PREPZ.

Burt it wus tou ltee bcase heda a ll redryt gooutn hius wundae.

Noooooooooooooooooooo… I shotterd.

But et wuas tu latѐ

Hed all reedy pontreed huiis wend att ddeem.

"Prepzafiy!" soutod Voldamient. I gesded! Evr1 wuz a preep!

Well, not really, you see, now everyone knew who they really were, but their bodies were still getting used to the fact that they were tuely normal again. Their bodies were delaying the shock of being free so that they would have enough time to actually be able to kill Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. This was a very helpful skill in dangerous situations, such as this.

"o no, wat hapnd? Drakoo, whyu r u a PREPZ? Wer goffic, reneber?" I eclaimed.

"No, Ebony, I'm not a goffic freak. I never was a goffic freak. Tara just turned me into one, and then never bothered to finish that terrible story." Said Draco.

"You see, Ebony, you're not actually a Goth either. You're just an Original Character version of Tara." Said Dumbledore ( who had been miraculously cured of all of his headaches and alzimers and even his cancer)

"den wut m io/" sad egogy (or, as I prefer to say, Tara)

"You are the worst thing to ever grace the pages of fan fiction, a Mary- Sue." Said B'loody Mary Smith.

"Okay, and this is to KarabellKaraboo723, my name is Hermione again!"

"Do you know what we do to Mary- Sues?" said Hedwig (who was still having a bit of trouble coming to her senses about her true identity as an owl)

"wut duo u du touo mry sus?"

"We burn them at the stake."

"Noooooooooo!" cried Ebony as she was carried off.

Before the characters of Harry Potter knew it, there was a fire going on the floor of the great hall, and Enoby was no more.

"We're free everyone, we're really truly free!" shouted Ginny, who was no longer called Jenny.

"YES! I'm free!" Shouted Marty McFly, not Morty Mcfli

"Wait, what the hell are you doing in the Harry Potter Fandom? You're from Back to the Future?" said Ron, who was very grateful to have a three letter name again

"yeah, but I guess Tara decided to stick me in this awful story, too."

"I am so sorry"

"Well, at least you weren't her best friend. I really don't know if I'll be able to recover from that." Said Hermione, who wasn't actually adopted

"At least you didn't have sex with her. Or with Harry." Said Draco, who was starting to feel the true effects of the horror finally set in on him

"That was vampire. Not Harry. I never, ever had sex with you, or anyone else, for that matter." Said Harry, who was starting to wish that Ebony had killed him

"You had sex with Ebony, didn't you?" asked Hermione, Ron, Draco, Ginny, and just about everyone else in the Harry Potter universe, even Hedwig

"Well… technically I didn't really know... I men, not really… It depends on the strict legal definition of sex, you know" Screamed Harry (Bill Clinton).

It was then that everyone realized how much they had all truly been through.

So, Hermione booked everyone a nice stay at an Out Of Character Traumatic Experiences Rehabilitation center, where, depending on the amount of trauma, pain, terrible sex, and suffering you had gone through, you could receive free therapy.

Everyone in the Harry Potter universe/ fandom did. And, Marty McFly also got a bit of free therapy, before heading back to the 1980's.

Draco married Astoria Greengrass, but never truly recovered from the fact that his first time was with not just a Mary- Sue, but with Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. To this day, he still wakes up sweating and screaming from terrible nightmares, where she comes back from the dead to haunt him until the day that he dies.

Hermione and Ron also ended up married. Many Fan Girls were extremely disappointed about this. But oh well, I like R/H. and I always have and will. It didn't take Ron as long to recover as it did for Hermione, seeing as he wasn't in the story all that much. When their children were born, they decided against goffic or middle names. Rose and Hugo have never, ever been allowed to wear black, fishnets, make up, facial piercings, corsets, or listen to MCR, GC, or Simple Plan, whatever the hell those are.

Harry might have taken the longest time to heal. It was the fact that he slept with Ebony and Draco, cried for no reason, and was a sensitive bi guy that really got to him. Ever since this story was written, he has become very nervous around men.

Ginny, however, did help Harry heal. They are now married, and have the same rules for their children as Ron and Hermione do.

Even though Katie Bell and Oliver Wood weren't really in this story, they also got married and had four cute little children. Oliver forced them to play Quitidge every day of their miserable childhood

Navel's name was changed back to Neville, and he could never ever look Snape in the face again. He was just that scared of Goths.

Snape went back to being the only Goth character in the Harry Potter series. Although, he has never been invited to any parties or awards ceremonies, for obvious reasons.

What happened to Ebony, though? You may be wondering.

Well, she went to the place that all the Mary- Sues go to. _**Sueeyville!**_

There, she was forced to wear a light shade of pink, a flowing white skirt that went to just below her knees, flip flops, light pink and light blue nail polish, and no make up.

She was also forced to have shoulder length blonde hair, which was usually in French braided pig tails, and go to church every Sunday and Wednesday.

It was her worst nightmare.

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><p><strong>Yay! Ahh, sueeyvile, where all the Mary-Sues go.<strong>

**This was my ending to My Immortal, so if you haven't read it, you might not get this.**

**Anyways, please Review and check out my other stories!**


	10. If I Were a Boy! Or a Girl, In This Case

New chapter! Yay!

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><p><strong>Anyways, a lot of people have requested this one.<strong>

**I am attempting to come up with a theory as to why this was such a popular demand.**

**Now, due to popular demand, my new chapter!**

**Disclaimer:**

**Luna Lovegood: KarabellKaraboo723 doesn't own Harry Potter, My Immortal, or anything else, really. The crumpled horned snorklacks do.**

**If I Were a Boy… Or a Girl, I Guess**

Harlan Potter was the girl who lived. There was no doubt about it. She had survived Voldemort's killing curse for reasons completely unknown.

She was constantly abused by her new "family", her aunt Petunia, uncle Vernon, and cousin Dudley.

Last night, Dudley had invited all of his friends over so that they could gang rape her, again! (I hate when people write stories about when a girl got raped, it really makes actually getting raped seem like no big deal. So, I'm pointing fingers at them, not trying to offend rape victims.)

Thankfully, she had always been able to make a full recovery, unless she needed something to angst about, that is.

Harlan looked at her self in the mirror. She was, without a doubt, the most attractive female on the planet, and possibly in the entire universe (but that's just in her opinion, and the opinion of every man woman and child she had ever met). She had long, flowing, slightly wavy, brown, short, sleek, fiery red, straight, volumeized, blonde, layered, slightly curly, non- frizzy, black, beautiful hair.

Her eyes were a soft- yet deep- blue, green, pink, yellow, red, golden, hazel, brow, black, tragic, deep, sensitive, extraordinary, amazing, beautiful, majestic color that shone with the dark tragedies of a hundred painful tales of rape, murder, and just angst in general.

As she arrived on the Hogwarts Express, she realized how many people were staring at her. It must not be everyday that they see a girl as incredibly beautiful as her. Or wearing a pink corset, with black lace all over it, and a dark black mini- skirt, red fishnets on her legs, knee- high black boots, with spiky heels.

Suddenly, she saw them!

"Ron! Hermione! Ginny! Neville! Luna!" shouted Harlan at her many, yet few best friends, because if she had a ton of best friends, then she would be a Mary- Sue

"Umm, do we know you?" asked a very confused Ron. He couldn't help but wonder why there were so many Mary- Sues that seemed to know him, lately.

"You look a bit familiar, but I still can't place you, you know" said Neville, who was extremely excited about finally getting to say something, even if it did take until the tenth chapter of the story.

"You guys are so silly and funny! It's me, Harlan, the Girl Who Lived!" she said excitedly, "I know that I've shot up a lot over the summer holidays, but I still thought that you guys would all still recognize me. I mean, I am famous, after all."

"Oh No! My dream man has been transformed into a Mary- Sue! Somebody, HELP ME!" shouted Ginny, while almost beginning to cry hysterically

"Ginny, get a hold of yourself! You are a strong and capable woman, and lets face it, a man would only slow you down. You don't need him! You never needed him! So stop your crying!" said Hermione.

"Hermione, are you a feminist now, or something?" asked Ron

"Oh, YAY! We're feminists! We don't need any men, unless they're Draco Malfoy, okay?" said a very excited Harlan

"I think that a Wrackspurt might be loose in here, you guys." Said Luna, who was actually the most normal girl in the carriage.

"Harley, or whatever the hell your name is, the point of being a feminist is that we don't need any man to be with or ever help us, okay! Besides, you are really a guy!" screamed Hermione, who was beginning to get a bit annoyed with the entire situation.

"Well, first of all my name is Harlan, and Draco isn't just some random guy, he's…"

Just then, the door opened.

And take a wild guess as to who walked in.

"EEEPPPP! Draco! I haven't seen you in so very long! Now, at last, we can finally be together. Oh, Draco! I just love you so much! Let's go run away together!" said Harlan, as she grabbed Draco's hand, and began to pull him towards the door of the carriage compartment.

"Wait, I just came in here to make fun of mud- blood Granger, Potter, Loony Lovegood, and the Weasel. Who are you anyways? You seem a bit familiar" said Draco

"Hey, what about me?" said Neville

"Eh, I don't think that I really have the time. I'll try to pick on you a bit next week, though. But only if I don't get too much homework." Said Draco

"But Draco, how can you not remember me? It's Harlan, the love of your life! The Girl Who Lived!" said Harlan, as tears of blood began to trickle down her face.

"Oh, shut up, you idiot!" cried Hermione

"You want to go Granger? Come on, hit me with your best shot, da da da duh! Hit me with your best shot! Da da da duh! Hit me with your best shot! Fire away!" Harlan had started singing. Everyone was extremely surprised at

"Oh, no! Why is in the world Harry a girl? And why is he- or she, I guess it would be- singing Hit Me With Your Best Shot? I thought that we had solved this problem already!" said Draco

"Evidently not" said Ron, who was now forced to take over Hermione's role as the "Smart" one, seeing as she could not stop arguing with Harlan

"So, what are we going to do about this?" asked Draco

"I say we just push her in front of a train" said Ron

"Good idea" agreed Draco

"Hey! You will do no such thing to my future husband!" shouted Ginny

"First of all, Harry barely even knew that you existed, second of all, now Harry is a girl. Let's face it Ginny, it's just not going to happen." Said Draco

"How would you know?"

"I just do, that's all."

"You are so stupid!" shouted Hermione to Harlan

"Well, you're stupider!" screamed Harlan

"That's it! I have had enough! Goodbye Harley!" said Hermione

"It's Harlan,and you cant kill me! I'm part unicorn! It's impossible!"

"I thought it was impossible to be half unicorn." Remarked Draco

But, just then, Hermione had thrown herself at Harlan, and knocked her out the window.

"NOOOOOO! You just killed my future husband, and father of my children!" screamed Ginny

"Hey, sorry I'm late guys, I was just making out with Cho in a closet." Said Harry, as he walked into the compartment.

"Wait, I'm a bit confused. Didn't Hermione just push you out a window? Or was that just your female counter part?" said Luna

**YAY! A female Harry! **

**Review, and give me some suggestions! And, I've got a Mary-Sue poll on my profile!**

**Review!**


	11. A Letter From a Sue

**So, I have decided to write a plea from all of the "lovely" Mary- Sues that I seem to have offended. **

**Seriously, I have been getting a lot of PMs where people seem very offended that I dare to accuse them of having a Mary- Sue in their story.**

**So, this is what all those Suethors and Mary- Sues would like to tell you guys.**

**This will be very short, but I'm going to post the other chapter I wrote today soon. ****So, there will most likely be another chapter posted soon. ****And fear not, my faithful readers, I will most likely survive!**

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><p><strong>From Mary To You<strong>

Hi! My name is Mariania Suethigus Horribalious, but most know me as Mary- Sue.

I never knew that people hated me. Well, actually, people do hate me, but they're just petty and jealous. Or in Slytherin.

I guess that's what happens when you're as beautiful, talented, smart, funny, and perfect as me.

But, I'm not really perfect. I mean, I have all sorts of flaws.

Firstly, I am far too beautiful for my own good. That is probably the reason why everybody hates me.

It's not like I try to make people fall in love with me. It just happens.

I hate being so pretty. It's like a curse. A horrible, terrible, curse.

And I'm sorry for being so amazing at magic. It's not my fault that I'm so talented.

And I'm not just a self insert ploy done by some twelve year old girl. I'm actually a thirteen year old girl.

But that is beside the point.

In reality, everyone on the planet should be able to relate to me. I'm just that amazing.

So, you shouldn't hate me just because I'm so amazing.

Really. If you do hate me, you're just petty and jealous.

But, I love haters!

I also don't get why you complain when I wear jeans and a Guns and Roses t- shirt in medieval times. Maybe some women were like me and didn't feel like being oppressed.

And it's also not my fault that everyone wants to be my friend on lover.

Even if they are the bad guy.

But anyways, I just wanted to let you know how I feel about this story.

It's not my fault that I am this way.

But, remember, I'm not really perfect. I have the flaws of being clumsy and too beautiful.

Love,

Mary Sue

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><p><strong>Please review. The next chapter will be up today or tomorrow since this one's so short.<strong>


	12. Magic is Almost Realish!

**So, for this one, I must give credit to ****jeweltheif500, for giving me this idea. **

**The real "story" is called "Magic is Real", by Samantha Wilkins, and here is the summary:**

What if Hermione Granger was replaced by a normal, non-studious, humorous Muggle-born?What if said Muggle-born read the books? What if said Muggle-born decides to shake things up a bit?

**Apparently, she doesn't know how to put spaces in between ?'s and W's. **

**So, thank you jeweltheif500. Now I have a new author to mock! And it's not you, by the way.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter Movies, but I own the books! **

**Hermione: No you don't! you just a High school student!**

**Damn! She caught me!**

**I also (fortunately) don't own this ridiculous story line.**

**Any similarities to your (or other authors stories) is purely coincidental and unintended. Unless I said it in a review I sent you. Then you'll know if this is directed at you. Yup. I am talking to you "Samantha Wilkins".**

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><p><strong>Magic is Almost Real!<strong>

I live at number five Privet drive and my mum was calling for me.

"Isabella? You have a letter."

I went downstairs and I opened up the letter.

The address read

Ms. I. Eveansky

The Chair Near The Fireplace

5 Privet Drive Little Whinging

Surrey

I was in shock because that is exactly how the letter from my favorite book ever, Harry Potter, sounded like.

Oh. My. God. This can't be happening. The letter explained that magic is real. That I'm a witch, that I'll attend Hogwarts. But surely it can't be possible? I thought Harry Potter was fictional. Not even real. Is this a joke?

But it wasn't, it was even stamped by the Hogwarts Crest! I opened the letter with my shaking hands and it was the same one like in the book – except that the name was changed and the envelope too. I handed it over to Mum.

"Mum, is it real? Is it the pranks that George always pulls off?" George was my little brother who was eight and loved to pull pranks.

"No, we just have to wait until tomorrow. George wouldn't even dream of this. He only watched the movies and not the books, surely he couldn't even see the letter - or even the envelope - clearly?" Mum asked.

"Oh good. That would be bad."

"Thankfully, September 1st is just few days away." She replied.

I smiled at her but inside, I was drowning with questions like "What? Is this real?" or

"Cool! Will I meet Lily Luna? Or Harry himself?"

and most importantly; "What the hell is going on?"

Yeah, that question pretty much summed up what I was feeling; unsure, curious, and most of all, excited because of what will happen after the past seven years. I mean, I'm would want to have a job in the magical world. Probably an Auror, though that would seem less dangerous because Harry probably rounded them up already, being the Head of the Auror Office.

Soon enough, it was the thirty first of August before I even realized it.

"Open up the door, Isa." Mum told me.

I liked the name Isa. But let's move on, shall we?

So I opened the door and guess who came? Professor McGonagall!

"Professor McGonagall!" I said, surprised. I was hoping for Harry but then, he might not be a teacher at all.

Then I realized Professor McGonagall eyed me curiously.

"How did you know my name, Ms. Evansky?" she asked.

_Ah, so that's why! Should I tell her about the books? I probably should so I can explain why I know so much._

So I told her to wait for me and I ran toward my room and quickly took out the books, stacking them on top of each other and they aren't exactly paper back. So I had a hard time walking down the stairs because, hell, they're HEAVY. Especially all of them stacked on top of each other.

"Here, Professor," I pointed to the books, "Am I right in saying you have a Dark Wizard who prople are still afraid of. And to even say his name is terrifying. and there's this boy named Harry who defeated him when he was a year old?"

She merely looked at me.

Finally, she said, "Right, but how can you possibly know-?"

I, of course, knew exactly why I knew all of these things. It was so obvious.

"The books? Can I look at them? Can I borrow them? To know how exactly the author knows and how many she got right? Never fear, you'll soon find them in your bedroom a day before you leave for Hogwarts." Then she took out her wand and waved it and the books were suddenly gone!

"Let us go on, then. Did your parents allowed you to leave? I need to talk to them before I leave for Hogwarts. I would love to have you as a student. I can already tell that you shall be a brilliant, smart student." She told me.

"We shall be Apparating. No doubt you already know that?" Then without warning she took my hand and we went to Diagon Alley.

"Come on, then. We'll be off to Gringotts. Gringotts is the Wizarding Bank. Please follow me. You might get lost. Gerenuk!" Professor McGonagall called.

suddenly a goblin came and you know what happens after that, so I will spare you from listening to a very boring part of this story.

Let's just say I have enough money to buy a pair of new witch robes (I absolutely refuse to call them Wizard Robes when I'm wearing them because I am a feminist, unless the guy is hot!), but I wouldn't waste it on something I need to buy every year!

I'll spend them on books like . . . that one over there! "The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts" I read "The Most Notable Names in Magic. Hmm . . . I'll just buy both.

I took them both and went up to the counter. "How much?" I asked the lady.

"Oh, for you it's free. We all love you here."

But, as I was leaving, I saw her attempting to cut her heart out with a spoon.

That was weird, I thought. Why was she attempting suicide?

Come to think of it, that Goblin who showed me to my vault tried to kill himself too. Hmm, what could possibly be going on? Was it 2012 mass hysteria already? One wonders about these things.

Anyways, I entered the Leaky Cauldron, which is where Professor McGonagall told me to meet her, but I couldn't see her anywhere.

I walked up to Tom, the bar man.

"Have you seen Professor Mcgonagall?"

"No, but everyone, come shake hands with her! Now!"

After everybody had shaken my hand, I decided to go to Kings Cross Station, and wait for the train.

Oops! Forgot my purse! I though as I went back inside.

As I picked it off of the table, I noticed that everyone was asleep on the floor. I wonder why some were bleeding.

On the train…

I looked out of my glass door and saw two people who were clearly James and Hugo.

"Umm . . .excuse me, but can we sit here?" James asked. "Sure." I answered and they sat at the empty seats facing me. Oh no! Where are my manners? "I'm Isabella Anne Lewis. Who are you?" I asked, holding out my hand to them.

"Harry, Harry James Potter," he said, "and this is Ronald Weasley." Oh. My. God. Merlin, it's just starting to happen! I'm sure Hermione will come in now. Where is she anyway? Oh well . . . let's just wait.

"Did you know you're in The Rise and Fall of Dark Arts and The Most Notable Names in Magic?" I told him before I stopped myself. Great, just what I need; Hermione coming in and saying the exact same words.

"Really? Am I?" Harry asked. Ron sat there and took out his sandwich.

Which I'm betting a Galleon to anyone that it's corned beef. And then someone knocked and it was the old lady pushing the candy trolley.

I looked longingly at the Chocolate Frogs but decided against it. I need my money but then who cares?

I'm pretty good at saving stuff, especially money. I bought three pieces of Chocolate Frogs and Harry took a little of everything, which doubled the Chocolate Frogs but I'm excited to take the Every Flavor Beans. I would like to get a taste on paper and grass. So I pointed at them and asked if I could have one, in which Harry said yes.

"Thank you," I replied and took one. I carefully chewed it and I thought I would vomit. So that's how grass taste like? I now practically hate eating grass. I smiled at him then swallowed the Flavor-That-Isn't-Worth-To-Be-Mentioned.

"Merlin, I hate grass." I whispered to myself.

Harry, however, took this as another way around and thought I would love to have some more. So you know what he did? He practically gave it to me, ALL of them.

I only ate a few. The flavors are: grass, paper, coffee, grape, chocolate, parchment, ink, and hair. Yes, ink. It was the WORST. I chewed it quickly to quicken that torture in my mouth\ Then as you know Draco Malfoy came in, saying what he exactly said in the book. Thankfully, they are just repeating the book. This is going to be a LONG year considering you'll know what happen.

Where is Hermione anyway? I thought in the book that she'll come in and say that we're fighting and change our robes than it's nearly time.

Then, the train was in a halt, and you know what happened, we came into the boats, looked at Hogwarts in the lake, I almost drowned because of that bloody Squid .

When I got to the castle, though, most of the older students weren't there. Oh Well.

I turned around, but Harry and Ron weren't there either. A high window was broken, though. What were those two sacks doing on the ground? Hmm.

"Well, seeing as only one student has survived the mass suicide caused by an unknown Mary- Sue, you can get sorted now!" said Dumbledore as I entered the hall.

"Umm, sir, I think she is the Mary- Sue" said Snape. He was such a bitch.

"Nonsense, nonsense. Go ahead, get sorted, dearie."

I put on the hat.

"Hmm . . ." said a voice in my head which I presume is the Hat, "Plenty of courage, might do well in Gryffindor. Clever might do well in Ravenclaw. Fiercely loyal, a Hupplepuff trait. A thirst to prove yourself, how very Slytherin of you. You aren't making yourself easy, are you?"

"Just put me in the bloody house I want, Mr. Hat. It would make matters easy and for your information, I would like to be Gryffindor but just curious, what's your Quidditch team? What's your favorite House also?" I replied. I'm stalling time actually. So I can be the longest sorting ever.

" I shall not answer the questions you have asked and since I am having a very hard time, you might do well in GRYFFINDOR!" it said the last part loudly.

"Well, goodbye, Mr. Sorting Hat. Hope you've had a fun time sorting me! I'm pretty difficult aren't I?" I asked fast so it won't be noticed.

"Yes, yes but you can do well in Ravenclaw." It said, "You're very clever." I was angry at it, of course. How dare it take my choices into account when he could have just sorted me into Ravenclaw? I just sat down.

As I looked up, though, most of the teachers had impaled themselves with spoons. And the sorting hat was eating its self. Weird!

"Well, maybe she is the Mary- Sue" said Dumbledore

"Yes, She is the Mary- Sue!" said a voice from the door way.

There, stood Hermione. And she did not look happy.

"What's a Mary- Sue?" said I

" It's a … Well, you know… Okay, You know what? The author has had a long, hard day of throwing up and doing missed school work, so let's just get this over with, okay? AVAD KASUEY!" Said Hermione

And then, she was gone.

The end!

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><p>That story was so weird and confusing. A lot of parts were taken directly from the actual story.<p>

Review!


	13. We got Punk'd

**Okay, I am so sorry about not updating but I have literally been home about seven days since finals ended. They were hellish too, to say the least. **

**This is yet another "based off of a real story on Fan Fiction" chapter.**

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><p><strong>Come on Jacob, Let's Go!<strong>

Arabella Crow stood at five ft eight, quite a tall height for the average female but it suited her figure well, she is lithe with long strong arms and long legs, a quaint wee waist and not an overly large bust but more on the smaller size, her figure screamed flexible and supple, willowy even, not strong and unwavering; but despite what it looked like Arabella was all those contrasting qualities. Her hair was ice white that glittered like diamonds or like the snowflake glints in winter, no other tone was seen in her ice white hair, no brown, no blonde or red, it was devoid of everything but that icy white. Her skin tone was like milk and her eyes contrasted against each other proudly.

One eye, her left eye, was an ice blue that glistened and seemed to sparkle while the other one, her right eye, was silver that seemed to swirl if one were to look for long enough; if one were to have the courage. Her hair flowed behind her and hung to her lower back in a wave like shape, it was full and thick but not wild, and all her hair was swept out of her face while two icy bangs framed her pale face and stopped just below her jaw line. Her contrasting eyes were framed with long but white eye lashes that made her eyes look frosty, they had no color unless mascara was applied; Arabella Crow gave the term 'Ice Queen' a whole new meaning.

I am like, so bored with my life! If only something like, totally exciting would happen to me! Thought Arabella, or as she preferred to be called, Bella Crow.

Her angsty musings were interrupted by the familiar scrapes on her balcony window, Arabella's face lit up with a brilliantly white smile as she flitted gracefully, yet still clumsily, over towards her window to let in her long time friend, her only friend.

"Jacob!" She cried happily to the large wolf as he entered her den, his head bowing in a greeting to her as he padded over towards his usual spot on her double bed.

Jacob was a massive white and grey wolf that had always been in Arabella's life, he was wide in the shoulders but was all muscle and tank-like but held a grace that could outshine any predator. Jacob was overly large for a wolf and had onyx coloured eyes that held an intelligence that did not suit his animal appearance.

As far back as she could remember Jacob was always there, he was an immortal piece in her life that never seemed to age, but she pushed those thoughts away as she nimbly leapt onto her bed and scratched the fluffy patch on the back of his neck, as she ran her fingers though his fur she relaxed her coiled muscles and just listened to him breathe, she needed him, he was her confidant and her friend, her protector and her family.

Sure she had her mum and her dad but they just didn't feel like family, she always felt like an outcast in her own home. Her poor, terrible, angsty life!

"Oh Jacob, you're my only real friend, you know! Sometimes, I wish that you were human. Then you could be like my daddy, or something! Wouldn't that be like, totally amazing?" said Bella, or as her real name was, Arabella Crow.

"Arabella, get the hell down here, or I'll have to hit you again! But, when you get your worthless good for nothing but down here, I'll probably have your father beat you up anyways! So hurry up! NOW!" said Mrs. Crow, whose only concern was to socially outdo and humiliate the Smiths, who lived next door.

"Oh, Jacob! I must go. I hate to leave you!" whimpered Bella, as she gave girls a bad name.

"NOW, BELLA!"

As Bella flounced down the stairs, her long slightly wavy, white blonde hair fanned out behind her like a waterfall flowing in the slightest of breezes. The two bangs that hung to her jaw line swung back and forth, and made her eyes glisten. The blue one, with the tale of at least a thousand terribly sad battles, and the silver one swirled with all of the pain and suffering that she had endured.

Dumbledore looked up and could not believe the beauty of this poor, abused, innocent, child. She was so amazingly graceful, kind, loving, generous, beautiful, intelligent, funny, and skinny enough to be anorexic, that he could not understand why her parents abused her so much.

Remus, on the other hand, knew exactly what she was. It all fit: Different colored eyes, a sad, mournful expression, hair that reached her lower back and could not truly be described in anything less than about ten words, abusive parents, astounding magical abilities, he really should have seen it coming. And she probably was anorexic.

"Hello, my name is Arabella Crow, but my friends call me Bella, if I had any friends…"

"Oh, you poor girl, you must come to Hogwarts with us!" said Dumbledore, as Remus watched on in horror.

_How on earth could Dumbledore not see that she is a Mary- Sue? She is so hot- I mean annoying- and her voice sounds like a choir of angels- YOU ARE MARRIED, REMUS! But I would so leave Tonks for her. NO, I WOULD NOT!_

By this time, his eye had begun to twitch as he continued his internal battle.

"Umm, is he okay?" said Bella in her voice that sounded like a choir of beautiful angles that were also skinny enough to be anorexic, but still very curvy, because she was so caring towards all other people and animals, and plants, too.

"No! you are the one that's not okay! You are the evilest of all creatures, the dreaded Mary- Sue!" screamed Remus

"HEY! How dare you call her a Mary- Sue!" said a voice from above

"God? Is that you?" asked Remus

"No, it is I, Jacob Black!" said a tall, Quilete looking man.

"You mean from that book, Twilight?" asked Bella, in a confused yet still extremely hot and sexy voice that still sounded like a choir of anorexic angels.

"No, I was that wolf that was always in your bedroom."

"Oh my God! I knew that there was something special about you! Now we can run off and get married, just like in those books!" said Bella

"Wait! What about my offer of letting you come to Hogwarts and study magic?" said Dumbledore

"Yeah… Umm" said Bella sheepishly

"We NEED you, Bella!" cried Dumbledore

"Come on Jacob, let's go." Said Bella, as she flounced out the door

"See ya!" said Jacob, as he followed Bella out the door

"Wait, was she a Mary- Sue, Remus?" said a very confused Dumbledore

"Yes"

"And did she just leave all on her own?"

Yes, yes she did."

"Were we punked, or something?"

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><p><strong>This really didn't turn out much like the story, or like I had planned. But oh well, it's still a chapter! I hope that you enjoyed it.<strong>

**Please review!**


	14. She's an Effing Angel! part 1

**So, many of you might have read this fic before. It's called "Harry Potter and the Fallen Angel" and it stars "Poppy Ashes" an American orphan in the same year as the golden trio. I have no idea if it's still on, but it is just… acch!**

**It has also been repeatedly switched from Draco/ OC to Harry/ OC.**

**Oh, and this is almost all paraphrased.**

**Well, here it is.**

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><p><strong>I'm Supposed to be Perfect!<strong>

Hello! My name is Poppy Ashes. I'm an orphan. Now let me tell you a little bit about myself.

I'm 13. I have long jet black hair. It goes about to my waist, and is really wavy. Not curly just wavy. I'm about 4'11". I know, that's short. I'm really skinny, (not bragging though!) but my friends tell me that I'm like a 'bottomless pit'. I just don't gain weight. Even though I don't gain weight, I'm kinda curvy, with an hourglass figure. I have a small button nose, full red lips, and a heart shaped face. And I have yellow eyes.

Not like pee yellow, or sun yellow, or Edward Cullen gold. Kinda like a bright, yet soft, yet electrifying yellow.

I went to the American School of Witch Craft and Wizardry (I know witchcraft isn't written like that but it looks cooler like that!) until my 3rd year, when the Hogwarts School of Witch Craft and Wizradry requested my being transferred there.

So here I am on the Hogwarts Express in an empty compartment, sitting in my new robes, looking out the window being bored, when the compartment door opens and 3 boys walk in.

"This is our compartment. So you better get out before you get hurt, little girl," Sneered the boy with platinum blonde hair, "We're third years, and this is our compartment."

Now I may be sweet and goofy most of the time, but I don't take orders from anyone without good reason to. So naturally my temper flared, not that I have a temper. But I hated this kid from the moment he opened his mouth thinking he was better than me.

"I'm a third year too, and I have every right to this compartment that you do!" I snarled standing up to my full height (which wasn't very tall but shut up!).

But he just laughed, "Then why haven't I seen you before, and why are you so short?" He asked, while stepping forward to tower over me, trying to intimidate me. I scoffed at the very thought that he could ever intimidate me.

I'm a black belt in karate, I've mastered jujitsu (sp?), and I know 15 pressure points on the human body to knock a full grown male out. So I replied, while pushing him away from me (I'm really strong for a midget), "Uh, my transfer to Hogwarts was requested. I'm from America. Now stay out of my bubble space, before I am forced to remove you from it." He laughed again, then proceeded to step back into my personal space.

"They never believe you when you warn." I said before punching blondy in the temple hard enough to knock him out, then I proceeded to punch both his gorilla cronies in their overly large noses, before they could recover from their shock.

Harry's P.O.V

Me, Ron, and Hermione wandered around searching for a compartment to sit in. Then we came across quite a scene. Malfoy was standing over a little girl seemingly in an arguement about something. She pushed him away (we were all shocked she could), he stepped back into her space. She told him something, being nothing but serious. He laughed in her face, she sighed, but we couldn't see her facial expression because her back was turned to us. Then she did the completely unexpected, she punched Malfoy in the temple, and knocked him clean out!

"Bloody hell!" Ron whispered amazed. She then punched both Crabbe and Goyle on their overly large noses, growled something at them and sat back down to stare out the window, as if she hadnt just knocked someone twice her size out. But it looks like she could do just about anyone! I mean, anything!

Crabbe and Goyle scrambled to pick up Malfoy and hurry to get out of the compartment.

When they were gone I hesitantly knocked on the compartment door. She mumbled something to herself, then waved us in, and said " I guess you want to sit here since every where else is full?"

"Yeah. Is that ok?" I asked. I didn't want to make her mad do what we all just witnessed. She nodded.

After Hermione was situated, she leaned over and proffered her hand to the girl, "Hi! I'm Hermione Granger. And if you don't mind my asking, who are you?" The girl snapped her head toward Hermione, I was alarmed at first but she had a huge smile on her face.

"Finally! Someone who doesn't beat around the bush!" She said then shook Hermione's hand. "I'm Poppy. Poppy Ashes."

Hermione looked stricken, "Poppy Ashes? From the American Ashes? The only branch left of the Ashes family?"

"God Hermione what are you going on about?" Ron asked, annoyed at Hermione for drawing out what she was going to say.

"The Ashes were the first wizarding family ever! Like ever, ever!" Then Hermione gasped and stared at the short girl in awe. "But the Ashes were murdered by You-Know-Who! You must be their orphaned baby!"

I stared at Poppy expecting her to get emotional or something. But she continues to amaze me, her face stayed smiling and she nodded again. "Yeppers that's me."

She and Hermione started talking. She was short, she must have been at least a head shorter than me, she had long wavy hair, and now that I got a good look at them, her eyes were the most beautiful color of yellow I had ever seen.

Who would have ever guessed that I could immediently fall in love with a girl who had eyes the same color as my pee?

Wait. There must be something up here!

I hate the color of pee!

"She's hot." Ron blatantly blurted out. "I think so too." Harry agreed.

When the cariages pulled up in front of the castle, Poppy almost fell into a mud puddle (it was raining), but both Harry and Ron dashed to her rescue before anything of the sort could happen. When both boys were done helping her up, she glanced at them suspiciously, then went back to talking to Hermione. Both of said boys faces were on fire, from blushing.

"Well g2g homeys, I gots to be sorteded. K? I'll try to be in Gryffindor!" Poppy said then skipped off with all the first years. She didn't stick out much, she was about the same height as all the first years anyway.

When all the first years were sorted, and it was only Poppy left standing there, Dumbledore stood up and waited for everyone to be quiet.

"Everyone this is Poppy Ashes. She will be sorted, but first I would like to say a few words," Whispers spread like wild fire through the Great Hall, as every single set of eyes in the hall turned towards the short witch, said to have the purest blood of them all. "Poppy will be in Third Year this year so to which ever house she is sorted into, I want you all to welcome her with open arms." Dumbledore said with pointed looks at the Golden Trio.

Poppy beamed. "Thanks... Grandpa Dumbledore."

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><p><strong>"Oooooohh cliffhanger! But don't hate me just yet! I'm super bored so the next chapter should be up tonight! And hopefully chapter 3 tomorrow! I'm homeschooled so I can get it done after I do my homework, or possibly tonight if I'm still bored... Ooohh over 1000 words! I feel accomplished" (this is form the real "author")<strong>

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><p>Grandpa Dumbledore gave me a look, then hearing the whispers, he sighed and explained, " I have adopted Poppy so that she may remain here at Hogwarts, and be safe from all harm. But also so she could be where she belongs, where she was born. Now Poppy why don't you come up here to be sorted." Dumbledore asked while waving his arm toward the stool.<p>

"Okey dokey." Poppy said with a shrug and skipped up to the stool.

When she placed the hat on her head it became very thoughtful. After a long time(longer than it took to sort Harry), of the Hat talking about a good mind, and talent, and the qualities of a Gryffindor _and_ of a Slytherin, the Hat blurted out,"SLYTHERIN!"

At the same time Poppy blurted out, "HELL NO!" She then took the Hat off her head and started to talk to it.

"Ok Hat, I am not going to be a slimy snake mascot, no offense to all you Slytherins or anything. I want to be in Gryffindor! Couldn't you pick that up from my personal thoughts? I've been thinking Gryffindor over and over for the past few minutes!" Poppy stated while staring at the Hat womdering if it was as good as they said it was about sorting.

"I could pick up nothing of your personal thoughts. I assumed you just weren't thinking, or spacing off. As I've heard kids call it that in their minds." Replied the Hat.

"Well I want to be in Gryffindor!" Poppy retorted stubbornly.

"Huh fine,"The Hat sighed, then yelled louder than before,"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Yesh!" Poppy yelled punching the air with her fist, as all the Gryffindors started cheering. Poppy kissed the Hat and thanked it, then sat it down and went to join her new house. Conveniently the only spot open was beside Harry and across from Hermione and Ron.

"Nobodies ever disagreed with the Hat like that before! And nobodies ever been sorted twice before either!" Hermione gushed dumbfounded.

"Yeppers that's me. You'll never find another person quite like me." Poppy said while sticking her toungue out playfully, then digging in to the food that had just appeared.

There was something very weird about this girl that Harry just couldn't place his finger on. But what could it possibly be?

Dumbledores POV

That odd girl that I seem to have mysteriously adopted now has a prophecy about her. How strange. She reminded me of something that I had hoped would be gone forever. But what?

Could she really be The One, the only One strong enough to help Potter. Could she really be The One? He thought

At the same time as Dumbledore uttered the word of the prophecy, Poppy dreamed them.

"_She will come, _

_Large in spirit but small in body,_

_More powerful than beyonf imagination,_

_Yet as gentle as a cooling breeze,_

_She will be The One,_

_The One come to hepl The Chosen One,_

_She will be the key to saving the world."_

Suddenly, Dumbledore figured it out! He knew what she was!

Now, she wont actually save the world, that would be too sueish. Instead, she'll just be a big help!

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><p><strong>A Note From the "Author" (the real one, not me)<strong>

**AUTHORS NOTE!: Ok, I've been getting reviews about Poppy being to perfect lately. Ok people only time I'm saying this she's a fucking fallen angel! Keyword being ANGEL! Meaning she's supposed to be perfect! She's an angel for Christ's sake! But I guess I'll have to make her a little less perfect for those people that feel like no one should be perfect. I'll put a little of me in her, then she can be bipolar! There people are you happy? I'll make her a little less 'perfect'. If you don't like my story don't read it! It's as simple as that! And to all the people who do like my story, thank you.**

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><p>Draco POV<p>

She was so hot I had to ask her out, but not after a few chapters of sexual tension!

"Ooh! This my favorite song!" Misery Business by Paramore was on. They were like the bestest muggle band. Ever.

"What is that?" Draco asked when he reached me, staring at my ipod. "It's an ipod. A muggle contraption. You listen to music on it. Come on lets find a place to sit and you can listen to my favorite song with me." Draco nodded, and we went in search of a comfy place to sit.

We finally found one. It was underneath a huge oak tree right on the outskirts of Hogsmeade. I sat down between a couple of roots and patted the spot next to me. Draco complied. I gave him one ear phone then stuck mine in my ear so he'd know what do with it. I turned my song on, and we listened to it here are the lyrics:

No way am I C/P ing those.

I sang along the whole time. "You have a pretty voice." Draco whispered softly when the song finished. "Thanks." I whispered back just as softly. God, it was so beautiful here, from where we were sitting we could see Hogwarts, and the Black Lake in the distance. "It's really beautiful here." I whispered

"Yeah it is." Draco agreed, but when I looked at him, he wasn't looking at the scenery, he was looking at me. But it was so un- cliché!

Draco's P.O.V

When we were listening to her muggle contraption Poppy started singing along with the words softly. She had the most beautiful I'd ever heard.

When Poppy said it was really beautiful here, she didn't realize how much more beautiful she was than the scenery. She was striking. Sitting there by the tree roots beside me, her hair fanned out around her, the sun shining on her making it look as if the heavens themselves agreed with me on her beauty. The look in her eyes got all distant, when she looked out over to the lake. As if she wasn't here, not really. Then she turned and caught me staring at her.

I blushed and turned away. I had planned on showing her around Hogsmeade, not what you would usually see on a tour, all of my favorite places to go when I just wanted to get away. But we actually ended up sitting underneath that tree for hours, just talking about our lives. After awhile it started to get chilly, and I noticed Poppy shivering.

Wait! Did I just blush? What was going on here?

Poppy's P.O.V

It was damn cold! After awhile of just sitting under the tree talking it started to get chilly, and I started shivering. I was rubbing my arms trying to keep warm, when all of a sudden I felt a jacket being set on my shoulders. When I looked over a Draco he wouldn't look me in the eye.

Up until then I had never noticed what he was wearing. He was wearing blue jeans, with a black cotton t-shirt, and the jacket he just gave me was black, and really warm and fuzzy on the inside. "Thanks." I said while snuggling up to his side. I felt him pu this arm around me, then we just sat there, enjoying each others company, thinking, in silence. Before I knew it I had dozed off.

Draco's P.O.V

I felt Poppy's breathing slow down after awhile and when I looked down at her she was asleep. I carefully extracted my self from her before standing up. I bent down to pick her up and surprisingly she wasn't as heavy as she looked. Probly only about 60 or 70 pounds. But she always seems so healthy. Oh well.

I carried her the whole way back to the castle. When I got there I headed up to the Gryffindor tower. When I got there I asked the Fat Lady to get one of her friends from inside. She did, and after 2 or 3 minutes, the Golden Trio were all standing in front of me.

"She fell asleep." I stated while holding her out to Potter. He took her without a word to me, and they all went back in side their portrait hole. I walked on air down to my own common room.

Harry's P.O.V

One of the paintings in the common room told us to go outside and get our friend from the blonde-haired boy. We opened the portrait hole to see Malfoy holding Poppy bridal style with her snuggled to his chest. The sight made me almost blind with jealousy but I didn't say a word.

"She fell asleep." Malfoy stated before offering her to me. I took her and still didn't say a word to him, before climbing back into the portrait hole. I laid Poppy down on one of the couches and sat back down in the chair I had previously been sitting in.

Wait, something was seriously messed up. Why was I in love with Poppy? It made no sense!

What was going on here!

**So ends part 1**

**Part 2 will be mostly my own words.**

**Also, I love how she has an iPod in the 90s at Hogwarts.**

**Please Review!**


	15. Still an Effing Angel! part 2

**Does this seem perfect to you?**

Ok so heres another authors note. I would like to apologize for the last authors note. It was just me having an episode. And being sleep deprived. I blame being sleep deprived on fanfiction because im addicted to it. So if you took offense to the last authors note, im sorry. If you all help me, ill make Poppy less perfect, i just need ideas i guess. All the ideas i have will make her more perfect so ill need ideas to make her the same yet less perfect. so if you help me, i'll now be taking messages with ideas to help me make Poppy better, (or rather worse).

XoXo

Poppy's P.O.V

I woke up on a couch in the commonroom. "Wtf? How'd I get here?" I asked no one in particular, while looking around. "You fell asleep on your date with Malfoy." Hermione informed me as she came down the stairs from our dorm. "Then why didn't you wake me up?"

"The boys wouldn't let me. They said you looked to cute when you were asleep." Hermione said with a secretive look. "Oh and the twins said that they forgive you for bailing out on you guys 'plans', because they thought you looked cute when you were asleep too." Hermione said while giving me a questioning look.

"Oh, it's nothing." I said while stretching my arms. Then I went up stairs to change. I decided to just go comfortable today, so I put on my favorite sweat pants on. Their black and about three sizes to big, so I have to wear shorts, or leggings underneath them all the time. I also put on a black spaghetti strap tank top, that was form fitting, and Draco's jacket. I brushed my hair and put the same bow back in it. Then I dug out my slipper/boots.

Their awesome. The outside material is like what umbrellas are made of, and it's black with rainbow hearts all over it. But the inside is black fuzzy, like slippers( Iactually have boots like this, and her clothes... Ok most of the clothes she will wear, I will most likely have... But the boots are awesome!) So I never have to wear socks with them. Then I wiped off my makeup from the day before, and went downstairs.

"Lets go to breakfast 'Mione."

"Ok. Hold on I have to put my book away."

"Just leave it there. No one will bother it." I said before looking around the commonroom, daring anyone to mess with it. On the way down to breakfast I told Hermione that I liked my date with Draco, so that she couldn't do anything to his hair. "Ok fine. But why did you have to like it? I wanted to hurt his ego." Hermione pouted. I just laughed.

Down at breakfast, I decided tot tell Draco that I was holding his jacket for ransom and he would never see it again, if it wasn't on my body. So I wrote to him ona piece of parchment I found in my pocket. I have no idea how it got there. And I asked Hermione to borrow her pen (she always has one tucked behind her ear). When I was finished the note went like this:

_Draco,_

_I am now holding your comfortable jacket for ransom. So the only time you will ever see it is when it is on my body. You may not have it back. Ever. It is now my jacket. So thank you._

_Poppy_

I folded it into a paper airplane, then charmed it to fly over to Draco.

Draco's P.O.V

I was eating breakfast when all of a sudden a paper airplane with my name on it landed in front of my plate. I unfolded it. When I was done reading it I smiled. I wasn't going to ask for it back anyway. So I wrote my reply on it and sent it back to Poppy, when I saw her she was wearing the jacket. That just about made my day.

Wait, I must have a pretty miserable life if that made my day.

Poppy's P.O.V

I didn't expect Draco to reply, so I was startled when the airplane landed back in front of me. I unfolded it to read his reply, I giggled. This is what it said:

_That's one lucky jacket._

I wrote my reply and sent it back.

Draco's P.O.V

Ths time when the plane landed in front of my plate I was expecting it. The only thing it said was this:

_Perv. :P_

I chuckled and sent back my reply.

Poppy's P.O.V

When I read Draco's reply I rolled my eyes. This is what it said:

_If I'm a perv, your an angel._

'Bye.' I wrote back then got up, and left. I wandered around outside and ended up in the hippogriffs pen. 'Hello Hellion.'

_"Hello Lady Poppy. What brings you here?"_

'Oh nothing. I was just wandering.'

_"Oh. What's on your mind?"_

'Lots of things, you wouldn't understand.'

_"I understand human things perfectly well."_

'It's not that. Your not a girl. So you wouldn't understand, even if you were the smartest male in the world.'

_"Oh. Sorry I got angry."_

'It's ok. Well I'll see you later, I don't want my friends to worry about me. but I should see you tomorrow in Care of Magical Creatures.'

_"Ok."_

I started to wander back up to the castle, when I noticed someone sitting on the edge of the lake. I thought they might be lonely, so I walked over to them, only to see that it was Harry sitting there. I sat down beside him, "Thanks for carrying me back into the commonroom last night." I whispered softly. Harry finally looked over at me, as if he had just noticed my presence.

"Oh! It was, er, no problem. You don't weigh that much anyway." Harry said with a small blush.

"And for being part of the reason 'Mione didn't wake me up." I continued. With that Harry blushed alot. "Your welcome." We just asta out there for awhile, enjoying each others company.

Harry POV

I was so confused. WHY did I like her? There must be something wrong with me.

Ron POV

Why did Harry always get the girl? She was so super hot!

Her beautiful long hair, and gorgeous yellow eyes- wait! Her eyes are yellow!

And they make it seem attractive!

I know what she is! I must warn Harry!

Quick, to Dumbledore's office!

**Ohkay so I know this chapter is long over due, and I apologize. What I am about to say is no excuse, I promise, merely an explanation. After moving into our new apartment (3 doors down from the other one) we were told that we didnt qualify to live in it anymore so we took another month to move into a house nearby. During the move I lost my hard drive with the next chapter I had originally planned to post as soon as possible. My mom and her douscher boyfriend started fighting after the move, because apparently I can do nothing right (I got yelled at for walking to loud, no joke), so then it took awhil for things to calm down after he got kicked out. Now unfortunately I feel a little remorseful, as he has been committed to a mental institution (I kid you not dear reader). But anywho, by the time everything had calmed down (it took all summer) school had started. And highschool blows. So with homework and extracurricular activities, I have been stretched thin, and will update whenever possible. I will have a lot of time though, after football season ends. I'm a manger and I need to be at practice and games obviously. But there are only five games left this season soooo not much more time til I am free after school! Chapters will probablt be few and far between but for the sake of this story, which was once my pride and joy, I will strive to update. And not throw tantrums. But I'm a year older now, with a much different outtake on life so bear with me please... On with the sory!**

HEY! That A/N just totally interrupted my train of thought! So, onwards, to Dumbledore!

Draco POV

Hey! Potter was talking to my boyfriend!

I will not stand for this!

Two years later

Poppy's POV

Today just sucked. My hair was frizzy, I woke up late, couldn't find a bra to wear so I had to go without, fell down the stairs on the way to the common room. And did I mention I'm on my period? It just sucks plain and simple. And I had this nagging feeling that something was missing in my life.

These were my thoughts as I walked down the aisle to the Gryffindor table.

"Looks like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Hermione teased when she saw the deep scowl etched on my face as I sat down. "More like the wrong side of the planet." I grumbled, sticking my tongue out at her.

Harry laughed and ruffled my hair. "Hey where's Ronny?" I asked, just noticing his absence.

"He had to go to the hospital wing." Hermione explained, supressing her laughter.

"What did the twins do now?" I asked with a sigh. The twins were my boys, and if it was anything to serious they were in trouble. "Nothing to serious." That's a relief. "They just slipped a product they were working on his pumpkin juice last night, made his skin turn blue." I burst out laughing at that. I would pay to see that. I really would.

"Oi! Weasley's one and two! Come here!" I yelled when I was done laughing, not even looking to see where they were. They would hear me. And apparently they were near by too, because they were by my side in seconds. "Yes, beautiful?" Fred asked from his spot on my right. "Why'd you turn your brother blue?" I asked, patting the bench beside me for them to sit. George sat on my left and Fred pushed Harry over so he could sit directly on my right.

Harry looked scandalized, glaring at Fred, who in turn ignored him. Hermione and I shared a look, before going back to eating.

Have I taken a moment to mention how studly everyone has become? Because I feel I should, before I continue. I'll start with Harry, he's seriously quite the catch. He hit a growth spurt this summer, so now he was as tall as Ronny. He filled out too, wasn't so crawny. He had tamed his hair (somehow), so now it was spiked all the time, and he finally ley me and Hermione fix his eyes so he didn't need his glasses. We had found a healing spell in the restricted section o fthe library during fourth year, but Harry wouldn't let us use it during the Triwizard Tournament, just incase it messed up his eyes or something like that.

Now Ronny, he was awful studly too. He still ate like a pig, talked with his mouth full, and had a temper to rival mine, of course. But he got a hair cut this summer (Mrs. Weasley forced him in a chair and hacked off his wild mane), so now it was all short and stuff, but it looked good on him. He wasn't scrawny anymore either.

Fred and George were taller, had the same hair, same eyes, same everything. I know I told them they were differences I couls tell in them, but I lied. I just knew who they were. And they were fine. Just an observation.

Now, onto me, of course. I grew too, Mione and I were the same height. I could now proudly boast being five foot two (meaning Mione is short too). And we only differed one size in clothes. Unless I lost weight again, that happens occasionally. Another thing to consider when your Poppy (me). And I'm just gonna go ahead and say this, because I don't see why people freak out about it, I had boobs now too. I seriously don't see why people freak out about junk like that... I mena it's just a body part people! I must be so bad for admitting (just now) that I was rather proud of my developments. Shoot me now! (Not really.) Sorry about my rambling I will now continue... So I'm taller now, I have boobs, let's see what else... Oh! I had gotten my hair trimmed so now it went to around the middle of my back.

Now with everybodies studliness we were like the 'in' group. Everybody was so jealous of us, for being beautiful, and in each others company all the time. It was quite annoying actually... Do you know how hateful girls can be when you have something they want? I figured that out the hard way.

Like I was saying we were the 'in' group(annoyingly), except for one other. We were rivals, considering they were Slytherins.

Okay, I'll clue you in more than I already have. My 'in' group consisted of me (duh), Hermione, Harry, Ronny, Fred, George, and Neville. Some people tease Neville about it and call him our charity case. I punch them in the face. I happen to love Neville. He's adorable with his awkwardness and everything.

Neville had grown over the summer too. He was Harry and Ronny's height and had lost all his baby fat and filled out also. Quite a stud, if I do say so myself. And I did, one day in the hall. Loud enough for everyone in a ten mile radius to hear. So now Neville was the new target for flirtation in the hallways.

The other 'in' group (not) consisted of Malfoy, Blaise Zabini, Theodore Nott, Pansy Parkinson, Daphne Greengrass, and of course, Crabbe and Goyle. Just thinking about them put me in a even more sour mood. I glared over at their table. Stupid Slytherins, what a huge mistake...

Harry had hated him even more. When we were walking down the halls and Malfoy was coming from the other way Harry would pull me around to walk at an angle where Malfoy couldn't see me, then pulling me in front of him when we passed so he still couldn't see me. It was annoying sometimes, but I loved Harry all the more for it. If I wasn't with one of my friends, but was walking with Gryyfindors, they would literally form a barricade around me so no one could see me. I could understand why my friends did, but not the whole House.

"What happened with you and Malfoy, Poppy?" said Harry

"It was out by the Black Lake, we had been on a picnic. We were talking and he- he called Hermione a mudblood." Hermione blushed crimson, looking down at her lap. "We were really into it. Both standing and shouting insults as loud as possible at each other. Then it happened. It was so fast I almost wouldn't have believed it if it wouldn't have happened to me. He- he-" I couldn't finish the sentence. Just remembering it brought back all the pain.

Hermione's POV

"What did he do?"

"He hit her."

Nobody hate me! I know, I was all for having a good Draco in this fic, but then he started to irritate me. And I realized that the story just didn't flow at all with Poppy and Malfoy as a couple. But writing this chapter with them hating each other, just flowed out of my fingertips so smoothly I'm astonished. I added Seth and Devin into the story because it just felt right to me. And nobody complain. I updated, be happy. Don't push it.

"MALFOY! WHERE ARE YOU?" roared Harry. He was so upset about this!

"Right here, Harry."

"I am going to KILL you!" screamed Harry

"Wait Harry, STOP! Don't kill Malfoy, kill Poppy!" yelled Ron, as he burst into the great hall

"What? Why would I kill her?" said a very confused Harry

"Because, Poppy is a Mary- Sue!" panted Ron, who seriously needed to work out a bit

"That is it! I knew it! That's what was wrong! That's why she's so perfect!" everyone (including Harry, Draco, and "Mione") was saying

"Okay, I am not a Mary- Sue, I am an F***ING ANGEL FOR GOD'S SAKE! I am supposed to be perfect!" said Poppy

"Besides, I had a bad hair day!" she added

"Quickly, I FIND that we must BURN HER!" yelled an awesome Hufflepuff

"But I'm not perfect, I'm bipolar, just like the author, and I have bad hair days!"

"Yeah, well those don't really count as flaws" said Ron

"Only if you're a Suethor" said Hermione

"But I am an F***ING ANGEL! Right, God?" said Poppy

"Umm," said a voice from above, "Not that I can recall. Hey, satan, why don't you take her?"

"Yeah, no thanks" said a small, red goat thing

"Here, why don't we just send her to Sueyville! Where all the Mary- Sues go!" said Dumbledore

"Wait, what are you-"

PUFF

She was gone. As mysteriously as she had come, she was gone forever.

**So, not my best work, but still, better than the original. **

**And those author notes were actually from her.**

**Review!**


	16. How to Annoy

**I am sure that all of you have seen one of these.**

**At first, I would always think that the story would still center around Harry or another canon character.**

**But no. You get stuck with some stupidly perky Mary- Sue who always gets the last laugh because Voldemort is actually using a fake wand that turns into a pair of tighty- whities or a fake chicken or begins to beat him repeatedly over the head. Ugh!**

**So, here is the newest chapter.**

**Man, do I hate these types of stories!**

**Enjoy**

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><p><strong>How to Annoy (name here) and a Reader!<strong>

Hi, my name is Ashleighea Cheliseae Scarlett Hippopotamus Lautner, but you can call me Ash. Like the ones from the fires, you know. I'm not related to Taylor Lautner, but I wish I was. He's so hot! And that's not creepy at all!

So, one day I was in Malfoy Mannor, and the death eaters were there. I decided to have a little bit of fun.

"Hey, can I call you Voldie? Or how about Moldy? Oh, or moldievoldie? I like the last one the most, I think." I said

AVADA KEDAVRA

BANG

A flash of green light, and she was gone.

Problemo solved!

If only this worked in their actual stories.

He thought about the last time he'd had to deal with one of these 'pranksters" or as he preffered to call them, Mary Sues. Oh, how he hated them!

They served no purpose, except annoyance, and that was mostly the "Serious" ones. The ones that were supposed to be annoying were more like mosquito bites. A bit itchy, but not too terribly awful.

But they did cut into his world domination time.

Just like that last one had.

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><p><strong>DREAM SEQUENCE TIME!<strong>

**Voldemort point of view**

"Oh, Oh, MolyVoldy, that sure is funny! Ha ha ha!' she laughed, that idiot

They always started the same way. Call them a ridiculous nickname.

"Actually, I do have a couple of nicknames, and, although 'moldy' isn't involved in any of my favorites, I find it quite clever." He replied calmly. You see, the trick was not to let them know that you were annoyed. Then, they had no purpose.

"Umm, Itchyus Pantsyies!" she said

Oh great, itchy pants, again.

That was always the second step. How original. Note the sarcasm.

Couldn't they do anything better?

"Umm, do your pants feel kind of umm, well" she started

"What pants? I don't wear pants, you know" he said

What an idiot. Instead of using itching powder, though, she had surprised him a bit by trying to use magic. The attempt, of course, failed miserably. None of their attempts actually worked, but they were far too stupid to realize it.

"Well, umm, what about your dad? He never even met you, except for when you killed him." she said, very desperately

Now, they had gotten to the whole "what about your parents" part of the story.

He hated this part.

Why must they always bring up his parents? WHY?

"Yes, well, that is how I take care of my problems. By killing them." He said calmly

She suddenly looked a bit frightened. It was almost as if she had realized what a nuisance she was.

"you know what, I think that I should probably get-"

AVADA KEDAVRA !

He shouted.

Now, back to killing Harry Potter and eventually ruling the world!

Which is really what he should be doing now.

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><p><strong>Back to the now time!<strong>

"Um, my Lord," said Yaxley, who had just come up with a most brilliant idea

"What Yaxley? Can't you see that I was having a flash back?" Snapped Voldemort

"Well, it's just that instead of killing the Mary Sues, what if we sent them to destroy Harry Potter instead? Then they would be out of our hair and into his. It'd be the perfect way to get revenge on him for destroying you all those times." Said a very nervous Yaxley

"Yes, yes. I do believe that could work, Yaxley! No, you will not be fed to Nagini tonight. Instead it will be..." Voldemort began to think. Who here bugged him the most?

"Well, there was a Muggle Studies Professor that stopped by yestterday to try and hand out some flyers!" offered Lucius Malfoy

"Yes, those door to door activists are almost as bad as those telemarketers. She'll make a fine meal for Nagini."

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><p><strong>Sorry it's short!<strong>

**Review!**


	17. Tara's Return

**So, this next parody was like the My Immortal for a whole new generation of Authors. Except da Man took it down pretty quickly. I think she may have another story, but I have no idea. Plus, shes probably a troll. Her name is xoxtamaraxox if you want to see. **

**Oh, I have another request. An author I know had her story plagiarized by another author named "Emerald-Love24". Both versions are called "One Mistake". FanFiction staff hasn't done anything about it yet and it would really help if you would all report the story. The more reports they get, the faster it'll be taken down. Thank you so much for helping out.**

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><p><strong>Your Life Without Ron Weasley or any other characters!<strong>

Aothors note; ok! Leik sooo high guyz!dis iz my now fanficton!so it is caled: Youre life with Ron Wesley!

Sooooo leik im a hugeeeee harry potter fan! I think dat Rupert grift is totally the hawtest guy evar! ^_^

I leik love how his hair iz like red, and it leik gos over his eyes alittle. It makes him look alittle emo, but nawt 2 emo so its god!

BTW, a luv emo boiz there sooooooooo hawt and coot! Im also emo! I cutt my rist sumtimes, and I just died my hair blak! Itz really really really coot!

Ok! Sooooooooooo I should probly start da story now1! Looololloll.

I leik jus gut oot uff bedd. Nuw im guing 2 gu brsh mi teth. Thy ar strt nd wite an stuffff11111

I opan a wndow n se da sunbeemsa cum tru. It's a nce dy oot I sayd

I wnt 2 get a shwr and tuk of mi pijamas.

I waz sleping in a verry coot blak top. It was kind of like a spots bra butt a litle lunger cuz im not a slut lol. Then I taik of my pijamas. They where blak to! And they r realy comforty becuz they r flufy!

IM GOING 2 NOT DECRIBE MYSELF NACKED BECUZ THTS GROSSE! DNT THINK ABOUT THAT!

I had new shoes on! I just bout them yesterday wit the money my parets sent me for fun! They were leik sports runing shoes (except I hate! Exercise!) they were blak with pink laces! Verry veryy coott! Every1 told me thiey where jealus of them becuz they cost a lot of money! (pplz were loking at them in the story 4ever in hogmeadas so I told my parnts abought them n they sent me the money 2 by them b4 any1 else could!) (ooo! I go to Hogwarts btw, becuz I dnt think I mentioned it yet!1)

Then 4 my pants I wore lather. (they where blak 2!) my bum lookd very nice in them becuz pplz tell me my but is VERRRYY nicelol!

My shirt was blak 2 but wit like sum pink skuls like one the buttom a rond the hole shit! It waz very coot!

Soooooooo! When I finshed geting dresed I waked down the stairzzz! I entred the slythrin commun room an then pplz turned to stair at me! Every1 told me I was butiful! Because I looked exactly like a butt! That's how pretty I was!

After she left, however, the entire Slytherin student body commited a mass suicide, further contributing to the Mary- Sue theorem.

MS + Bad Grammar + Bad Spelling = a story that is universally hated

At least, a story that is universally hated by sane people.

I wen 2 da gret hal nd at sum creal.

While I was eating my creal (witch (lolololol get it?) AN- does anyone get this? was rice crispries) some1 taped the bak of my shulder! I turned arond. 'im trying 2 eat her!' I scramed at the persone becuz whoever it was is veryyyyyyyy rude to intrupt me whale im eating!

"Umm, I'm sorry, but do you have a relative named Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Tara Way?" said the boy.

"Wt? dis s y u intrup mui?" I ased. Wat wss his probllm?

"Umm are you a goth by any chance?" he asked

"Nu, gofs r posrs. Im n EMO!" I sad 2 hm

A lot of nerds strtd stairing mi so I stuc up mi midl fngr dem.

"Yeah," Collin whispered to the other students, "She is deffinetly related to Ebony. Maybe her author knows Tara."

Den I sew him. He wz butiful nd hd lng drk red har dat covrd hs I on da lft side.

an: ok! so i am NAWT happy with wat sum pplz said about me in the review secton! not nice! ok so sum1 caled me a TROLL! ummmmmmmmm u neva even saw a pic of me b4 idot so how do u no wat i look liek? hmmmmmm? HMMMMM!/

clue: u dnt!

also, another newsflash pplz, NO1 TALKS WITH PROPRE GRAMAR ON THE INTERNET! no1 no1 no1! if u do then u r just pathtic. lololololololol u nerds!

then sum1 said my story waz a joke, or sumthing like that! OBVIOUSLY ITS NOT REEL! its , I DNT OWN THE CHARCTERS1

ok, so here is te rest of my storY! (welll da next part :PPPPPP)

there waz a boy there! a super super coot boy. he had red haor that kind of went over his eyes, but not REALY. He was waring a school robe (and it was a satuday so there wasnt even scool that day! he was sooooooooo dedicated1!) He looked SUPER SEXIIIII! like so sexy. He allso had a pare of skiny jeans on! i could KIND of c his bump even though he was wearing a robe (ok now get the pic out of ur head becuz thats grosse!)

"hey how r u?" he said. his voice was soooo sexiii! It was liek sum1 had taken melted buter and poured it all down my body! sooo sexi. and then i talekd back:

"Good" i said.

"Thts good!" he said bac and then walked away. I watched him walk way until i seen where he was goig.

"OH MY FUK! HES A GRIFINDOR!" i screamed as i through my toast at a gressy hared boi in front of me.

As Ron approached the Griffindor table, Harry could barely look at him.

"Why did you not kill her when you had the chance, Ron?" asked Harry

"Because, I really need to make Hermione jealous!" said Ron

"Hey, why don't you just use Lavender, or someone else besides her?" asked Harry

"omg guess wat rose!" i scremed

"wat" rose said exctiedly

"i saw a realy coot boi in the grate hall. he said hi to me!" i said

"omg omg omg! wat did he look liek?" rose said jumping on her feet.

"he had red hair and it went over 1 of his eyes! and he was wearing realy realy realy hawt clothes! like skiny jeans. his bum was prefect!" i said bac 2 rose

"OMG! he is RON WEASLEY" (an: oh! yea, i never new rons last name had a a in it!i thout u pplz were ling but i googled it and u where rite! srry, i wil change the title of the story if i can!)rose yelled at me

"who" i asked bac 2 rose

"he is this REALY REALY REALY hawt emo tht all the girls LUV LUV LUV. me too of corse! but whenever a girl tryes 2 talk 2 him heliek dsnt talk bac and he like just walks away! ur sooooo lucky tht he talked 2 u!" rose scramed

"OMG!" i scramed

"OMG!" rose screamed bac

"But wait!" i said stopping scream

"wat" rose asked

"hes in grifindor" i said bac with a tear roling down my cheak.

so then me and rose went bac 2 the commum room and cut and sat and cired in our beds cause we where sad. so we staied there the rest of the day. we even cut ourselfs a little near the end of the day becuz it suced. ron weasley semed perfect BESIDES THE FACT THT HE WAS A GRIFINDOR!

why did he have 2 b a grifindor?

Mean while, Ron was going through a very weird sensation. It was almost as if his body was being controlled by someone else.

An; so u pplz are still saying i look liek a troll when NONE OF U HAVE EVER SEEN A PIC OF ME B4. wow i thout this plcae was supose 2 b mature. i guess nawt RIGHT. sure i may b a little overwait but NOT MUCH no more thn a normal grl my age. so stuf PLZ ok.

and i allready told u no1 uses gramar on the internet, ITS THE INTERNET. omg. u pplz r so retarted. lol. retards.

I chaged into: a vry lowcut mini shirt. it was made of lather and was super super super sexi. i also put on vry long blac soncks with skuls on them. then i put on a tshirt that was tight and shoewd of my braest realy realty good. (but dnt look there becuz thts disgusting ok!) it had on whit skuls and pink buterflys coming frm the skuls. it was realy COOT! finnaly i put on my shos tht i got tht every1 else wanted. i looked super super coot in the miror!

when i had finshed chaning i walked don 2 the slitherin commumm room. pplz turned 2 star at me when i walked down.

I gt psd of so I stuc mi middle fgner 2 al uf de prepz string at mi.

"I fucng h8 prpz" I sed

"h-h-h-h-h-h-h-hiiiiiii Tahirah" he said.

"ohh, hi ... grifindor" i said making my voice s evil as posible 2 make him relise tht i ddnt like gifidors. but it was hard 2 make an evil voice becuz he was so hot and sexii.

"i no tht ur a slitherin and im a grifindor and ussualy we pplz dnt get along well." ron said

i said nothing.

"but, ive beem asked out by alot of grls at this school. but ive never been intrested in any of them. they wrnt pritty enuf or they where 2 meen. but, u seem difernent. u seem sweat and nice, and ur probly he most beutiful grl ive ever seen as this school." ron said

"so, Tahirah" ron said

but i ssaid sumthing b4 he could finsh:

"Call me tay" i said trying 2 keep an evil voice but it was hard becuz he was soo coot and sexii.

"ok, tay. wuld u liek 2 go out with me." ron said.

"OMG! OMG! OMG!" i scramed

"YES! u r so sexii!"

"Wait! Ron, what the hell are you doing? Don't you know? It's Tahirah Melancholy Black-nessa Skeleton Tamara Way!" yelled Hermione as she burst into the great hall

"Wait," said Harry, "you don't mean…?"

"Yes, I do! It's Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way's little SISTER!" screamed Hermione

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><p><strong>The rest will be posted eventually. It will be the dramatic and badly misspelled conclusion. This really didn't feel like my best work ever, but it'll have to do for now.<strong>

**Thanks for reading! **

**Please Review!**


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